President Woody!

Author's Note: This last week, I've been a little busy trying to resurrect an old Cyrix Pentium II computer that my sister gave me. This computer has become useful to me since it has the Windows 98 operating system, which allows me to copy some old data off of a couple of Syquest EZ-135 megabyte drives--apparently Microsoft Windows XP will not read something as old as a Syquest drive. So it has been something of a chore to rip into the guts of this old Pentium system. The Cyrix was also useful in that it allowed me to copy some data files off of some old 5 1/4 floppy drives, and then to copy them all to a CD-Rom.

Such is the life of a semi-computer geek.

The fun thing about this little job, was that it allowed me to go through some of the older computer files that I had stored away. Old email letters that I've saved, pictures, word documents, essays, short stories, applications--it is amazing how this stuff accumulates into folders, stashed into folders, stashed into folders. I've discovered files and documents that I thought that I had lost due to computer crashes and such. And I found one such word document that I had written called President Woody.

President Woody was a somewhat satirical essay that I had written for a friend. When the 2000 elections were underway between Al Gore and George Bush, I noticed an interesting similarity between the Republican presidential candidate, and a certain well-known Toy Story character. Hence, the idea for writng a little satirical essay had sprouted within my mind. I wrote it, sent it off to my friend, then just about forgot about it. Until now.

And this weekend seems like a perfect time to publish this little essay. The essay was written just after the invasion of Iraq, although the idea has been within my head since 2000. Enjoy it for a good laugh. E.H.

President Woody

In examining how badly the current Democratic leadership is self-destructing with their failure in developing a coherent opposition strategy against the Bush Administration, I would suggest that the top Democratic officials (Tom Daschle, Nancy Pelosi, Terry McAullif), resign from their positions in politics and enter into a business venture of producing toys. One of the hottest toys they could produce this year could be The President Woody doll.

That’s right—The President Woody doll. President Woody would be a one-foot high doll, with the face in the likeness of President George W Bush, while dressed as the character Woody in the Pixar movie Toy Story. President Woody. He would have an empty gun holster, a shiny gold star emblazoned with the presidential seal, and a highly technological drawstring, which when pulled, would provide the American voter a recording of such Bush witticisms as:

“The government has a surplus—We must cut taxes!”

“The United States is in a recession—We must cut taxes!”

“A giant killer asteroid is heading towards the United States—We must cut taxes!”

Of course, if the Democratic leadership can act now, a new 2004 version of President Woody—The Commander-In-Chief Edition can be produced. Our hero President Woody—dressed in cammo fatigues—can carry the fight against the dangers of world terrorism. Pull the drawstring and President Woody could proclaim:

“We must invade Iraq because Saddam has amassed weapons of mass destruction!”

“We must invade Iraq because Saddam is harboring terrorists!”

“We must invade Iraq because Saddam is a bad guy!”

“There’s a snake in my boots—Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just Dick Cheney!”

Yes, President Woody. It can become a surprised hit in the toy industry. If market studies show that half the American public either loves George W Bush or hates George W Bush, the President Woody doll can be marketed equally on both sides of the political spectrum. Democrats could buy the President Woody doll to show their anger and cynicism of the current occupant in the White House, while Republicans can buy President Woody since he reiterates the same dull tired statements that the current president will say. The dolls can be manufactured here in the United States—thus providing jobs for unemployed Americans. By entering into this new toy venture, Democratic leaders could possibly open their eyes and see the example of cut-throat, dog-eat-dog, capitalistic hard-ball, business tactics which exists in the United States and use those lessons in the 2008 election. Republicans use those tactics all the time. And finally, all proceeds from the sales of the President Woody doll can be used to fund the 2008 Democratic presidential election for Hillary.

And coming soon in 2005—President Woody: The Space Cadet Edition, where our hero is dressed in a Buzz Lightyear Spacesuit!

Order your President Woody Doll Today! Hurry--While supplies last!