I wrote this story out for my five-year-old niece, and she loved it. My five-year-old niece has a stuffed, black, kitten, who wears a witches' hat, that she loves for Halloween. She has named this kitten Maria. When I babysit her, we end up creating fun little stories about Maria, or any of the other hundred stuffed animals she has. Since Maria is a Halloween decoration, I came up with an wonderful little Halloween story titled Maria and the Ghost Mice. My niece loved the story. And so, I'll share it with you for a Happy Halloween.
Maria and the Ghost Mice
By Eric A Hopp
Once upon a time, there lived a little kitten named Maria. She was an all-black kitten with green eyes, orange whiskers, and a pointed witches’ cap. Maria’s mistress was an old witch, who lived in a creaky, deserted mansion in the outskirts of town.
Maria loved being a witches’ cat. Every day, she would go seek out the plant herbs and ingredients her mistress, the old witch, would need to make her potions and spells. After she gathered the herbs, Maria would then perform her favorite job—catching mice! Maria would prowl the rooms of the old mansion, using her senses to locate where the mice were. Then she would flatten her body against the floor, like coiled spring, and then pounce on the mice, catching them with her paws. Maria would then take the mice outside into the fields and release them, where they could live happily and eat the field grasses, rather than nibbling on the spell herbs inside the old witch’s pantry. Of course, there were other times that Maria would have little mouse snack between chases.
But Maria’s most favorite time was Halloween Night, when the old witch would invite her witches’ coven to the mansion for a Halloween party of celebration, spell casting, and scaring trick-or-treaters. “Now Maria,” the old witch said. “The mansion has been decorated in spider webs and jack-o-lanterns. The table has been set with Halloween treats and spell ingredients. I’m going out tonight to scare some trick-or-treaters.” Maria’s mistress pulled an old broomstick out of the closet. “But I’ll be back soon with all our witch friends, and together we’ll have a wonderful party. I want you to watch the house for me, and make sure that the mice don’t eat all our treats and spell ingredients. Can you do that for me?” Maria proudly gave an affirmative MEOW!
The old witch smiled, and then gave Maria a scratch behind her ears. “That’s a good kitty. Take care of the house for me. And watch out for the ghost mice—they can be very troublesome.” And with that, the old witch flew off into moonlit night on her broomstick.
Ghost mice? What are ghost mice? Maria wondered. With that, she began her patrol of the old mansion, looking for mice. But going through room after room in the old mansion, she couldn’t find any mice. That’s strange, Maria thought. The mice always wanted to come out of the field and live in the old mansion, where they could nibble on the food and the spell herbs. Maria strolled into the dining room, where the table was set with Halloween treats, spell ingredients, and a bubbling cauldron of apple cider.
Just then, Maria saw a shadow out of the corner of her eye. She crouched, and then slowly crept towards the shadow. Maria then discovered that the shadow formed into the shape of a gray mouse, which was oblivious to the stalking witches’ cat. Maria slightly wiggled in anticipation, and then pounced on the gray mouse—MEOW! Maria caught that gray mouse!
Or did she?
Maria looked down at her paws, and saw nothing. The mouse escaped! She looked around the room. Where did that gray mouse go? She looked back down at her paws. Slowly, a ghostly head rose up through her paws to look up at Maria—a ghostly head of a little gray mouse! The gray mouse laughed, “Hee! Hee! Hee! Silly kitty! You can’t catch us! You can’t catch us! For we are the ghost mice!”
And with the little taunt, the ghost mouse ran through Maria’s paws and across the dining room, with Maria in pursuit. Maria pounced again with the intention of trapping the little ghost mouse right at the wall. But then, the ghost mouse ran through the wall! BAM! Maria slammed her head right into the wall, where the ghost mouse ran through, bumping her nose! Maria rubbed her nose for a moment, and then looked around the room. Suddenly, she saw another ghostly gray mouse right by the dining room table. She ran towards the mouse, with every kitty intention of catching and eating that mouse. The ghostly gray mouse looked at Maria, waved, and then floated up into the air and on to the dining room table. The ghost mouse laughed, “Hee! Hee! Hee! Silly kitty! You can’t catch us! You can’t catch us! For we are the ghost mice!”
Maria was very angry. She promised her mistress that she would take care of the house and protect the Halloween treats from these mice. And now the mice were on the dining room table, about ready to eat those treats. Maria jumped up on the dining room table. She saw the ghost mouse sitting at the edge of the bubbling cauldron, cleaning his face. Maria crouched, and then pounced on the mouse—MEOW! The ghost mouse completely vanished in front of Maria’s eyes, as she flew towards the bubbling cauldron. WATCH OUT! Maria fell into the bubbling cauldron of apple cider! SPLASH! Quickly, the little black kitty jumped out of the cauldron and landed, sopping wet, on the dining room floor. Maria could see ghostly mice appearing all around her. “Silly kitty!” the ghost mice taunted. “Chase us! Catch us! Again! Again! Again!” The ghost mice danced around Maria. “We will wear you out! Out! Out!” Maria slammed her paw down on a ghost mouse, but her paw went straight through the dancing mouse’s body. The ghost mouse laughed, and then continued singing, “Wear you out! Out! Out! Then the brown mice can feast on Halloween treats!”
Maria sat in the circle of dancing ghost mice. “How can I catch a ghost mouse, when my paws go right through them?” she asked. Maria thought for a moment. “I can catch live mice with my paws because I’m alive, but I cannot catch ghost mice because they are ghosts. Perhaps there are ghost kittens that can catch ghost mice because they are ghosts! I must find the ghost kittens!” Maria ran out the dining room. The ghost mice cheered happily, “YES! We’ve driven the kitten away! Three cheers for the ghost mice!”
Maria ran out of the mansion, and into a small pet cemetery, located behind the old mansion. There, she found an incredible sight. Maria saw ghost cats and kittens chasing and pouncing little brown field mice that were running through the pet cemetery. “Help us!” the ghost cats cried. “The living, brown field mice are taunting us, as they dig into our graves. We can’t drive them back into the fields where they belong!”
Maria suddenly had an idea. “I will drive the living, brown field mice back into the fields, where they will not bother you. And in return, you can help me drive the ghost mice out of the mansion, and away from the Halloween treats.” The ghost cats agreed, “Yes! Yes! We’ll do it.” And so Maria chased the brown field mice away from the pet cemetery, and back into the fields, where they could continue to live and eat the field grasses. “And now,” Maria smiled. “Let’s get rid of some ghost mice.”
Back in the dining room, the ghost mice were still celebrating at how they drove the kitten away, when Maria walked back into the dining room, alone. “Hello again.” The ghost mice taunted. “Have you come back for some more punishment from us?”
Maria smiled, “Yes, I’ve come back,” she said. “And I’ve brought some new friends with me.” Suddenly, the ghost cats leaped through the dining room walls and surrounded the ghost mice.
The ghost mice shrieked. “It’s the ghost cats! Run away! Run away!” The ghost cats drove the ghost mice out of the old mansion, and back into the fields where they also belonged.
Maria thanked her ghost cat friends. “Now my mistress will come back with her witch friends, and we can have a wonderful Halloween party. Would you like to join our party?” The ghost cats agreed. And so for the rest of the night, Maria and the ghost cats celebrated Halloween with the witches.
The End.
Showing posts with label Fun Essays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fun Essays. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Ken Doll's letter to Bratz Doll Division of MGA Entertainment
Ken Doll
Barbie Penthouse,
Malibu, California
Executive Vice President
Sales and Marketing
Bratz Doll Division
MGA Entertainment
Dear Mr. Executive Vice President:
As you have probably heard through the numerous press releases and Entertainment Tonight stories, the rumor is true. The storybook romance between Barbie Doll and Ken Doll has now ended. We have been together for 43 years since that one day when we first met for our television commercial together in 1961. Our relationship blossomed into exciting role-playing characterizations such as Scarlett and Rhett (Gone With The Wind), Romeo and Juliet (Romeo And Juliet), and even as Arwen and Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. We were together in three successful movies—Barbie of “Swan Lake,” Barbie as “Rapunzel,” and Barbie in the “Nutcracker.” You can even see us together in our fourth upcoming movie Barbie as “The Princess and the Pauper.”
But our relationship has now ended. It seems that throughout the 43 years of our time together, Barbie never really saw me as an equal. I was the prop—the “boy toy” for Barbie. Barbie got to be Military Medic Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Nurse Barbie, Firewoman Barbie, Policewoman Barbie, and Rock Star Barbie. Barbie even ran for president of the United States in 2004. Where was Ken when Barbie was gallivanting around the world? He was sitting in the Barbie Lounge, beside the Barbie Pool, located next to the Barbie Penthouse. Or Ken would get into the Barbie Corvette to drive to the Barbie Disco Lounge for a double scotch. Barbie never loved Ken—oh she may have tolerated him and thought of him as a friend. But I always knew that Barbie’s true love was for G.I. Joe. He’s big. He’s tough. He dresses in khakis and fights the Commies or the Viet Cong, or Cobra. In the 1980s, G.I. Joe shrank down to three-inch doll where he could play with a lot of high tech toys. I don’t think Barbie ever cared for a midget G.I. Joe during the ‘80s. But ever since the invasion of Iraq, G.I. Joe has come back—bigger and better than ever. And Barbie has been lusting for Joe ever since.
And so, you have the breakup to the storybook romance. Whatever you think, don’t believe in the new romance for the Cali Girl Barbie and Blaine—that new Australian boogie boarder who has replaced me. He’s just another boy toy. I know—I was one of them! But I’ve learned something in those 43 years of lounging by the Barbie pool, as just another prop, while Barbie met with her tax accountants, her lawyers, and her market communications specialists. I listened, and learned of how the Barbie Empire was created and managed. I can provide you with those intimate details in your own quest to topple the Barbie Empire.
Consider the following:
A new pairing between MGA Entertainment’s hot new Bratz doll and Ken. Bratz is hip—she’s chic. Bratz and Ken could drink tequila straight up, with a pinch of salt and lime, all while dancing the night away to techno music. Think of the possibilities of Ken The Pimp, or Ken The Gigolo. We could develop a whole new marketing campaign in the inner city areas of Los Angeles, Detroit, and New York to entice the young children and gang member wannabes with Rapper Bratz and her rapper beau Ken (dressed in baggy jeans, a basketball jersey, and a backwards-wearing baseball cap). You can even create collectable rapper Bratz and Ken dolls for selected cities—Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia. Or if you wish to target the “Red State” market, there is Redneck Ken—dressed in overalls, carrying a six-pack of beer and a shotgun, ready to listen to the corn grow with his “redneck” gal Bratz in her daisy duke shorts and red-checkered shirt. They could even drive around in the General Lee. Finally, we could market Presidential Ken, complete with his own Oval Office and “Condi” Bratz as his trusted advisor. Presidential Ken could even be marketed as a war hero, dressed in a Texas Air National Guard flight suit, standing on a carrier flight deck with banner saying ‘Mission Accomplished.”
But we were only looking at the U.S. market here. There could even be an even greater Third World market for the pairing of Ken and Bratz. We could specialize with unique identities, tailored to differing geographical regions. For the Central American region, there’s Cocaine Ken, dressed in a $2000 Armani suit with a dime bag, a 9mm, and Bratz as the perfect hoe, for accessories. Think of the wonderful role model Cocaine Ken could be in teaching the little children the wonders of free market capitalism. For the children in the Middle East, we can market Al-Qaida Ken. Dressed in flowing robes and a turban, Al-Qaida Ken could battle G.I. Joe in the Iraqi toy market with his AK-47 and explosives strapped to his chest. And what would the Al-Qaida Ken doll be without his partner Eco-Terrorist Bratz? A suave, cammo-wearing babe Eco-Terrorist Bratz could battle against the evils of multinational corporations bent on destroying the environment. And as a marketing tie-in, a small donation for each Al-Qaida Ken or Ecco-Terrorist Bratz doll sold would be donated to the terrorist organization of your choice. Think of the market here. Barbie doesn’t even have a foothold in this region.
In conclusion, I offer my intimate knowledge and services regarding the Barbie Empire to your organization. These are just a few marketing ideas on how to take down the Barbie Empire. To quote a famous saying about Barbie—that bitch had everything! It is time to knock her down from that pedestal and into the mud where she can be with her true love, G.I. Joe. Oh, this is not about revenge.
It is just business.
Sincerely yours:
Ken
Barbie Penthouse,
Malibu, California
Executive Vice President
Sales and Marketing
Bratz Doll Division
MGA Entertainment
Dear Mr. Executive Vice President:
As you have probably heard through the numerous press releases and Entertainment Tonight stories, the rumor is true. The storybook romance between Barbie Doll and Ken Doll has now ended. We have been together for 43 years since that one day when we first met for our television commercial together in 1961. Our relationship blossomed into exciting role-playing characterizations such as Scarlett and Rhett (Gone With The Wind), Romeo and Juliet (Romeo And Juliet), and even as Arwen and Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. We were together in three successful movies—Barbie of “Swan Lake,” Barbie as “Rapunzel,” and Barbie in the “Nutcracker.” You can even see us together in our fourth upcoming movie Barbie as “The Princess and the Pauper.”
But our relationship has now ended. It seems that throughout the 43 years of our time together, Barbie never really saw me as an equal. I was the prop—the “boy toy” for Barbie. Barbie got to be Military Medic Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Nurse Barbie, Firewoman Barbie, Policewoman Barbie, and Rock Star Barbie. Barbie even ran for president of the United States in 2004. Where was Ken when Barbie was gallivanting around the world? He was sitting in the Barbie Lounge, beside the Barbie Pool, located next to the Barbie Penthouse. Or Ken would get into the Barbie Corvette to drive to the Barbie Disco Lounge for a double scotch. Barbie never loved Ken—oh she may have tolerated him and thought of him as a friend. But I always knew that Barbie’s true love was for G.I. Joe. He’s big. He’s tough. He dresses in khakis and fights the Commies or the Viet Cong, or Cobra. In the 1980s, G.I. Joe shrank down to three-inch doll where he could play with a lot of high tech toys. I don’t think Barbie ever cared for a midget G.I. Joe during the ‘80s. But ever since the invasion of Iraq, G.I. Joe has come back—bigger and better than ever. And Barbie has been lusting for Joe ever since.
And so, you have the breakup to the storybook romance. Whatever you think, don’t believe in the new romance for the Cali Girl Barbie and Blaine—that new Australian boogie boarder who has replaced me. He’s just another boy toy. I know—I was one of them! But I’ve learned something in those 43 years of lounging by the Barbie pool, as just another prop, while Barbie met with her tax accountants, her lawyers, and her market communications specialists. I listened, and learned of how the Barbie Empire was created and managed. I can provide you with those intimate details in your own quest to topple the Barbie Empire.
Consider the following:
A new pairing between MGA Entertainment’s hot new Bratz doll and Ken. Bratz is hip—she’s chic. Bratz and Ken could drink tequila straight up, with a pinch of salt and lime, all while dancing the night away to techno music. Think of the possibilities of Ken The Pimp, or Ken The Gigolo. We could develop a whole new marketing campaign in the inner city areas of Los Angeles, Detroit, and New York to entice the young children and gang member wannabes with Rapper Bratz and her rapper beau Ken (dressed in baggy jeans, a basketball jersey, and a backwards-wearing baseball cap). You can even create collectable rapper Bratz and Ken dolls for selected cities—Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia. Or if you wish to target the “Red State” market, there is Redneck Ken—dressed in overalls, carrying a six-pack of beer and a shotgun, ready to listen to the corn grow with his “redneck” gal Bratz in her daisy duke shorts and red-checkered shirt. They could even drive around in the General Lee. Finally, we could market Presidential Ken, complete with his own Oval Office and “Condi” Bratz as his trusted advisor. Presidential Ken could even be marketed as a war hero, dressed in a Texas Air National Guard flight suit, standing on a carrier flight deck with banner saying ‘Mission Accomplished.”
But we were only looking at the U.S. market here. There could even be an even greater Third World market for the pairing of Ken and Bratz. We could specialize with unique identities, tailored to differing geographical regions. For the Central American region, there’s Cocaine Ken, dressed in a $2000 Armani suit with a dime bag, a 9mm, and Bratz as the perfect hoe, for accessories. Think of the wonderful role model Cocaine Ken could be in teaching the little children the wonders of free market capitalism. For the children in the Middle East, we can market Al-Qaida Ken. Dressed in flowing robes and a turban, Al-Qaida Ken could battle G.I. Joe in the Iraqi toy market with his AK-47 and explosives strapped to his chest. And what would the Al-Qaida Ken doll be without his partner Eco-Terrorist Bratz? A suave, cammo-wearing babe Eco-Terrorist Bratz could battle against the evils of multinational corporations bent on destroying the environment. And as a marketing tie-in, a small donation for each Al-Qaida Ken or Ecco-Terrorist Bratz doll sold would be donated to the terrorist organization of your choice. Think of the market here. Barbie doesn’t even have a foothold in this region.
In conclusion, I offer my intimate knowledge and services regarding the Barbie Empire to your organization. These are just a few marketing ideas on how to take down the Barbie Empire. To quote a famous saying about Barbie—that bitch had everything! It is time to knock her down from that pedestal and into the mud where she can be with her true love, G.I. Joe. Oh, this is not about revenge.
It is just business.
Sincerely yours:
Ken
The Suck Report
Grand Jury Transcripts
Office of Independent Council
Revised
Translator’s Note: The material presented here is the unabridged testimony of witnesses questioned by the Office of Independent Council (OIC). It contains both the verbal testimony and significant actions taken by the witness during their testimony. This material may contain offensive language. This transcript is catalogued under Library of Congress, C1459684E45132.
1. Witness: Clint Westleaf.
OIC: State your name for the record.
Westleaf: My name is Clint Westleaf.
OIC: And what is your occupation?
Westleaf: I am a tough guy. I do tough guy things. I’m a tough guy cop, tough guy soldier, and tough guy Italian cowboy. The only time I wasn’t tough guy was when I was a wussie photographer taking pictures of bridges and seducing bored Iowa farm wives. I’m currently working as a tough guy Secret Service Agent protecting the President from bad guys.
OIC: Mr. Westleaf, do you know a Monica Lewdinsky?
Westleaf: I think she’s an intern at the White House.
OIC: Have you seen Miss Lewdinsky?
Westleaf: I’ve seen her a couple of times. She runs around delivering important papers to different offices of the White House Staff.
OIC: Describe Miss Lewdinsky’s personality?
Westleaf: She’s nice and intelligent. She has a bubbly personality. Monica does have this thing for big guns. She says that a man with a big gun turns her on. She wanted to see my big gun once. I pulled out my Sig Saur 9mm automatic to show her. She laughed and said that wasn’t what she meant by a “big gun.” She wanted to see my other “big gun.” So I showed her that big gun. She liked my big gun and said that it felt big and hard in her hands—want to see?
Translator’s Note: Mr. Westleaf proceeds to stand up in the witness chair and unbuttons his pants.
OIC: That will not be necessary Mr. Westleaf.
Translator’s Note: Mr. Westleaf sits down, his pants unbuttoned.
OIC: Did Miss Lewdinsky say she like the President’s big gun?
Westleaf: She did. She said that the President had the biggest gun she ever saw.
OIC: Describe Miss Lewdinsky’s relationship with the President?
Westleaf: Monica likes and admires the President. She’s always been a team player at the White House and she’s always helping the President whenever she can. She’s always delivering important papers to his office—then again, there are a lot of young interns delivering important papers to his office. There is one thing that she always seems to be doing for the President. The President is constantly losing his contact lenses. He loses his contacts in the bushes behind the White House. Whenever he loses his contacts, he has a young intern help him look for his contacts back behind the bushes. Monica always seems to be eager to help him find his contacts in the bushes—I don’t know why. Then again, he’s had the Speaker of the House, and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court helping him look for his contacts in the bushes behind the White House.
OIC: So the President always seems to be losing his contact lenses then.
Westleaf: That is correct.
2. Witness: Reverend William Dee Williams
OIC: State your name for the record.
Williams: My name is Reverend William Dee Williams.
OIC: And what is your occupation?
Williams: I am the Reverend of the Willie Dee Williams Congregational Church of God, pastor and host of the Willie Dee Williams Good Ole Time Gospel Hour on the Willie Dee Williams Christian Family Cable Network, chairman of the Willie Dee Williams Christian Crusade Amusement Park, founder of the Willie Dee Williams Theological Seminary, and I’m the CEO of the Willie Dee Williams Luxury Homes for Canines Corporation.
Williams: I want to let it be known for the record, that this entire sex scandal is a travesty to the Church, God, Mom, Apple Pie, and the American Way. It is my deep personal and religious opinion that the President of the United States is unfit to govern this god-loving country of ours due to the fact of his secular humanistic views of sodomy and debauchery. He should be removed from office immediately.
OIC: Mr. Williams, your statement has been entered into the record. Can you tell the Jury where you were on the night of November 17, 1995?
Williams: Why yes, I was in my office.
OIC: And what office was that
Williams: My office at the Willie Dee Williams Home for Personal Redemption and Salvation of Teenage Girls and Young Ladies. Through personal counseling and God’s true love, I hope to turn these poor, helpless, virtuous, virgin-souls away from the wicked evils of the secular world—to come into the bosom of God’s true love.
OIC: And what happened in your office that night?
Williams: Well, I had just finished personally counseling this 17-year old blond virgin, when the phone rang. It was the President. He needed my advise and help in lobbying Congress to help pass his soup kitchen bill for hookers. As we were discussing this important policy of love, I thought I heard the President say something unusual.
OIC: And what did you hear the President say that was unusual?
Williams: I believe he said something like, “Oh baby, do it!” Where I come from, when you say something like that, you’re on a path away from God’s love and heading towards the fires of damnation and lustful sodomy.
OIC: And what happened after that?
Williams: Well, I asked the President if what I heard was true. The President denied that he said those words and that the phrase came from the television where he was watching a movie on the Willie Dee Williams Christian Family Cable Network. He said the movie was Baby: The Sexy Secret That’s Not About Lost Dinosaurs. The President then asked if I would like to watch this movie on videotape. Naturally I’m curious about the subject of paleontology and its effects on Creationism, so I wanted to see the tape. The President then had an intern deliver the tape for me—delightful lady. Her name was Monica. We watched the movie together and then had a deep personal discussion of salvation. She is such a true angel in God’s universe.
3. Witness: Trippy Lin
OIC: State your name for the record.
Lin: My name is Trippy Lin.
OIC: Miss Lin, do you know Monica Lewdinsky?
Lin: Yes. I was a friend of Monica Lewdinsky.
OIC: Did Monica Lewdinsky confide in you?
Lin: Yes, she did confide in me.
OIC: What did Miss Lewdinsky confide in you about?
Lin: Monica Lewdinsky confided in me of how she had sex with the President. At first I thought it was a joke, but then she started giving me details of how she had to deliver important papers to him in the Oval Office or how she had to help him search for his lost contact lenses in the bushes behind the White House. I then discovered that she was telling me the truth and that I had to save her and save this country. It was my duty as a member of C.R.O.A.C.C.
OIC: And what does C.R.O.A.C stand for?
Lin: C.R.O.A.C.C stands for the Committed Republican Organization Against Clinton’s Cock. We are a dedicated right-wing Republican Conspiracy organization to foster the removal of Clinton’s Cock in any way, and for the replacement of a true, red-blooded, Republican American’s cock with strong conservative, Christian moral values. When I heard of Monica’s escapades, I had to do something to stop this growing evil. So I started secretly taping our conversations without Monica’s knowledge with this tape cassette and recorder.
Translator’s Note: Miss Lin displays a tape recorder to show the Grand Jury. There is a cassette tape inside the recorder.
OIC: Please tell the Jury about those secret tapes.
Lin: When Monica first started talking to me a out how she was having sex with the President, I was flabbergasted—I mean, I didn’t get any of Clinton’s Cock, but Monica did. It was Clinton’s own cock that was at fault. So, I started to secretly tape my conversations with Monica about her sexual affairs with the President. At first, I didn’t know what to do with these tapes—I mean if I send them to C.R.O.A.C.C, the C.I.A would probably find out and send terrorist hit squads against C.R.O.A.C.C. members. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew that the National Inquirer would pay a half million for the tapes, but I wasn’t sure If I wanted to sell them yet. I needed some help.
OIC: What type of help did you seek?
Lin: There was only one man who could help me with these secret tapes. There was only one man who’s advise on this matter I could trust. I took the tape recorder and the tapes with me and then flew out to San Clemente, California to ask Richard Nixon for his advise.
OIC: Former President Richard Nixon is dead.
Lin: I know. I went to his gravesite to talk to him about my plight. I told him about the tapes and the secret government conspiracy to destroy the tapes. I was hoping that his conscious could enter me in some sort of cosmic display of supernatural forces that would reveal the truth to me.
Translator’s Note: After this last statement from Trippy Lin, an unusual weather disturbance occurred in the Grand Jury Testimony Room. The doors to the room were suddenly opened by a fierce wind. Papers and legal briefs flew everywhere. Then, the tape recorder, which contained the secret recordings on tape, slowly rose up from the witness table and floated in the air for several minutes. The tape recorder then turned itself on and played a strange voice off the tape.
Here is a transcript of the voice recording played on the tape recorder.
Tape Recorder: KOORCATONMAI!
Translator’s Note: As a result of the paranormal events that occurred during the testimony of Miss Lin, the Office of Independent Counsel suspended hearings for 3 days while a Special Investigative Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation examined the tape and the paranormal events that occurred in the Grand Jury Testimony hearings.
4. Witness: Agent Fox Mulder, Federal Bureau of Investigation
5. Witness: Agent Dana Scully, Federal Bureau of Investigation
OIC: Have you concluded your investigation into the events that occurred in this room last week?
Mulder: Yes sir, we have. We subjected the tape to an extensive voice analysis and filtration. In the process of our examinations, we have discovered some interesting results. When you play the recording forwards, you will hear what sounds as gibberish.
Translator’s Note: Agent Mulder plays the tape recording forwards.
Tape Recorder: KOORCATONMAI!
Mulder: However, if you play that same tape backwards in the machine, you will hear something different:
Translator’s Note: Agent Mulder plays the tape recording backwards.
Tape Recorder: IAMNOTACROOK!
Mulder: We also ran a voice print analysis of the voice on the tape and compared the findings with a voice print analysis of sound recordings made back in 1974 of President Nixon’s resignation speech. The evidence is clear. The voice on that tape recording is Richard Nixon.
OIC: Agent Mulder, do you expect us to believe—
Mulder: I don’t know how else to explain it. While investigating the Grand Jury Testimony Room, we found several spots in the room, which exhibited extreme temperature variations—cold spots. Cold spots are the results of poltergeists and ghosts moving through the physical realm. This is physical evidence of paranormal activities. My guess is that when Trippy Lin took the tape to Richard Nixon’s grave, she must have triggered a psychic bond between herself, the secret tapes and Richard Nixon. Nixon was trying to communicate something to her. We haven’t found out what the message is.
OIC: Agent Scully?
Scully: We don’t know whether the cold spots were caused by paranormal activity or if there is a logical explanation. The air conditioning in the building has been shut down for maintenance this week. It is possible that there was a malfunction in the system that caused the air conditioning to switch on at maximum power, resulting in forced air blowing into the Grand Jury Testimony Room and causing the events last week. With regards to the tapes, anyone with the knowledge of sound imaging software and computers can adjust the contents of the tape—
Mulder: Why can’t you believe in the truth Scully?
Scully: Because there are other answers out there besides paranormal or UFO activities. Mulder, why can’t you believe that these events might have been caused by a logical, scientific explanation—
OIC: Why can’t the two of you just get on with it?
Mulder: The Office of Independent Counsel wants us to get on with it.
Scully: Okay, Mulder. If you insist—
Translator’s Note: Agents Mulder and Scully turn to each other, then fling into each other’s arms, kissing deeply, wildly. Mulder pushes Scully up on the witness table. Scully pulls Mulder’s jacket off. Mulder unbuttons Scully’s blouse, revealing her creamy white breasts— perhaps this transcript should continue at a later time.
Grand Juror Number Six: After 5 years, it is about time those two finally did it.
6. Witness: Sergio Orgasma.
OIC: State your name and occupation for the record.
Orgasma: Well, honey, my name is Sergio Orgasma and I’m a hair stylist in Beverly Hills, California.
OIC: Mr. Orgasma, how do you know the President?
Orgasma: Oh, I do know the President so intimately well. If only you knew what a MANLY MAN he is—I just get so hot thinking about this.
OIC: When did you first meet with the President?
Orgasma: We first met when he was on a trip to Los Angeles—he was attending some fund raising dinner or something. Anyways, he wanted to get his hair cut while he was out there in California, so he called my salon—I think he got a reference from another of my favorite customers Teddy Kennedy—Now there’s a man with such a drive. OOOOOOOOHHHHH! It is getting hot in here. Is the air conditioning off, or is it just me?
OIC: The air conditioning is turned off for maintenance. Please continue.
Orgasma: Okay honey, so I got this call from the President himself saying that he wanted me to come out to Air Force One and cut his hair for him. NOW BABY, I’m telling you. What hair stylist is NOT going to turn down an offer to style the President’s hair? On Air Force One? I just had to see him. So I went to Air Force One and then met the President. What a HUNK of a macho man. We had to go into the Presidential Washroom in order for me to serve my country as a hair stylist. Such a tiny washroom—OOOOHHHH WWWWOOOOO!!!! Just thinking about massaging the President’s head gives me SHIVERS! After I shampooed and trimmed his hair, the President thanked me, and then asked if I could help him search for his contact lenses in the Presidential Bedroom. He didn’t find his contacts, but I found what I was looking for—WWOOOHHH—HOOO—HOOOOO!
OIC: So you massaged the President’s head, and then helped him look for his contact lenses in the Presidential Bedroom on Air Force One?
Orgasma: Mr. Special Prosecutor, the President is ALWAYS losing his contacts. Why, he even lost his contacts in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House. I’m supposed to help him find his contacts in the Lincoln Bedroom next week.
OIC: Thank you Mr. Orgasma. That will be all.
Orgasma: Say, Mr. Special Prosecutor—you haven’t lost your glasses or…uumm…contact lenses in your office now...have you? Because if you have, Honey, I’m ready to help you find your contacts anytime! You know where you can find me Babe.
OIC: Thank you Mr. Orgasma.
7. Witness: Monica Lewdinsky
OIC: State your name for the record please.
Lewdinsky: My name is Monica Lewdinsky.
OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, the Grand Jury would like to know if you had sex with the President?
Lewdinsky: I…uh….
OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, please answer the question. Did you have sex with the President?
Lewdinsky: ALL RIGHT! I DID IT! I FUCKED THE PRESIDENT! I FUCKED HIM SO HARD THAT HE LOVED IT! I ADMIT IT! I’M CRAZY! I wanted to fuck the President, as I wanted to fuck the Vice President, and the Speaker of the House, and the Joint Chiefs and the Supreme Court Justices. It was my secret desire—to have a Washington ORGY!
OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, your behavior in this Grand Jury proceedings and your testimony has gone too far! I want to see you alone in my chambers RIGHT NOW!
8. Witness: William Jefferson Clinton
Translator’s Note: Because of the nature of a sitting President giving testimony to a Grand Jury and to the Office of Independent Counsel, special precautionary measures were set up for this testimony. The President would give his testimony in the Map Room of the White House. A video camera would feed a live image via satellite to the Grand Jury room for the jury to see the President and hear his testimony. The camera shows the President from the chest up. The video would be encrypted for security measures. The Independent Counsel would be able to ask questions to the President via his own encrypted video feed to the White House Map room for the President.
OIC: Mr. President. This office has received allegations that you have behaved in an “improper” manner through the initiation of an extramarital sexual relationship while serving in office. This office and Grand Jury would like to know if these allegations are true.
President: I would like to make a statement for the record before answering questions on this matter. I would like to state for the record, that I have never had sex with that woman—not for a million years. Not for a billion years. I have never had sex with that woman! Never! Never! Never! No! NO! NO! Oooooooooo….
OIC: Mr. President, this office has accumulated evidence which reveals that you had a sexual relationship while serving in office. And this office is accumulating evidence that you have lied to Congress and have lied to the American people as to the nature of this relationship. Did you lie to Congress and to the American people as to the nature of this relationship?
President: I did not lie to Congress or to the American People. I regard the laws of the United Sates Constitution to be the highest law in the land. The American people elected me as President and I am sworn to uphold and “Protect, preserve and defend the Constitution of the United States.” Oooohhh God…
OIC: Mr. President, you are under oath to answer truthfully. If you lie in these Grand Jury proceedings, you will be committing perjury and subjected to impeachment. Did you have an improper sexual relationship while serving in office?
President: Oooooo God—NO! I DID NOT!
OIC: Mr. President, did you have sex in the White House?
President: Ooooo…. YES! I mean NO!
Translator’s Note: At this moment, the camera showing the President’s live video feed of the Grand Jury testimony tips slightly. As a result of this shifting, the camera moves showing the President’s full body. He is sitting in a chair, facing the camera. His pants and underwear have been pulled down to his ankles. Kneeling down in front of the President is the First Lady. The First Lady is pressing her face between the President’s legs, performing oral copulation for the President. She stops for a moment, and then looks back at the video camera. She makes a comment to the President, which is transcribed here for the record.
First Lady: DAMMIT BILL! It’s time for you to get down on your knees and start KISSING MY ASS FOR A CHANGE!
END GRAND JURY TESTIMONY.
Office of Independent Council
Revised
Translator’s Note: The material presented here is the unabridged testimony of witnesses questioned by the Office of Independent Council (OIC). It contains both the verbal testimony and significant actions taken by the witness during their testimony. This material may contain offensive language. This transcript is catalogued under Library of Congress, C1459684E45132.
1. Witness: Clint Westleaf.
OIC: State your name for the record.
Westleaf: My name is Clint Westleaf.
OIC: And what is your occupation?
Westleaf: I am a tough guy. I do tough guy things. I’m a tough guy cop, tough guy soldier, and tough guy Italian cowboy. The only time I wasn’t tough guy was when I was a wussie photographer taking pictures of bridges and seducing bored Iowa farm wives. I’m currently working as a tough guy Secret Service Agent protecting the President from bad guys.
OIC: Mr. Westleaf, do you know a Monica Lewdinsky?
Westleaf: I think she’s an intern at the White House.
OIC: Have you seen Miss Lewdinsky?
Westleaf: I’ve seen her a couple of times. She runs around delivering important papers to different offices of the White House Staff.
OIC: Describe Miss Lewdinsky’s personality?
Westleaf: She’s nice and intelligent. She has a bubbly personality. Monica does have this thing for big guns. She says that a man with a big gun turns her on. She wanted to see my big gun once. I pulled out my Sig Saur 9mm automatic to show her. She laughed and said that wasn’t what she meant by a “big gun.” She wanted to see my other “big gun.” So I showed her that big gun. She liked my big gun and said that it felt big and hard in her hands—want to see?
Translator’s Note: Mr. Westleaf proceeds to stand up in the witness chair and unbuttons his pants.
OIC: That will not be necessary Mr. Westleaf.
Translator’s Note: Mr. Westleaf sits down, his pants unbuttoned.
OIC: Did Miss Lewdinsky say she like the President’s big gun?
Westleaf: She did. She said that the President had the biggest gun she ever saw.
OIC: Describe Miss Lewdinsky’s relationship with the President?
Westleaf: Monica likes and admires the President. She’s always been a team player at the White House and she’s always helping the President whenever she can. She’s always delivering important papers to his office—then again, there are a lot of young interns delivering important papers to his office. There is one thing that she always seems to be doing for the President. The President is constantly losing his contact lenses. He loses his contacts in the bushes behind the White House. Whenever he loses his contacts, he has a young intern help him look for his contacts back behind the bushes. Monica always seems to be eager to help him find his contacts in the bushes—I don’t know why. Then again, he’s had the Speaker of the House, and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court helping him look for his contacts in the bushes behind the White House.
OIC: So the President always seems to be losing his contact lenses then.
Westleaf: That is correct.
2. Witness: Reverend William Dee Williams
OIC: State your name for the record.
Williams: My name is Reverend William Dee Williams.
OIC: And what is your occupation?
Williams: I am the Reverend of the Willie Dee Williams Congregational Church of God, pastor and host of the Willie Dee Williams Good Ole Time Gospel Hour on the Willie Dee Williams Christian Family Cable Network, chairman of the Willie Dee Williams Christian Crusade Amusement Park, founder of the Willie Dee Williams Theological Seminary, and I’m the CEO of the Willie Dee Williams Luxury Homes for Canines Corporation.
Williams: I want to let it be known for the record, that this entire sex scandal is a travesty to the Church, God, Mom, Apple Pie, and the American Way. It is my deep personal and religious opinion that the President of the United States is unfit to govern this god-loving country of ours due to the fact of his secular humanistic views of sodomy and debauchery. He should be removed from office immediately.
OIC: Mr. Williams, your statement has been entered into the record. Can you tell the Jury where you were on the night of November 17, 1995?
Williams: Why yes, I was in my office.
OIC: And what office was that
Williams: My office at the Willie Dee Williams Home for Personal Redemption and Salvation of Teenage Girls and Young Ladies. Through personal counseling and God’s true love, I hope to turn these poor, helpless, virtuous, virgin-souls away from the wicked evils of the secular world—to come into the bosom of God’s true love.
OIC: And what happened in your office that night?
Williams: Well, I had just finished personally counseling this 17-year old blond virgin, when the phone rang. It was the President. He needed my advise and help in lobbying Congress to help pass his soup kitchen bill for hookers. As we were discussing this important policy of love, I thought I heard the President say something unusual.
OIC: And what did you hear the President say that was unusual?
Williams: I believe he said something like, “Oh baby, do it!” Where I come from, when you say something like that, you’re on a path away from God’s love and heading towards the fires of damnation and lustful sodomy.
OIC: And what happened after that?
Williams: Well, I asked the President if what I heard was true. The President denied that he said those words and that the phrase came from the television where he was watching a movie on the Willie Dee Williams Christian Family Cable Network. He said the movie was Baby: The Sexy Secret That’s Not About Lost Dinosaurs. The President then asked if I would like to watch this movie on videotape. Naturally I’m curious about the subject of paleontology and its effects on Creationism, so I wanted to see the tape. The President then had an intern deliver the tape for me—delightful lady. Her name was Monica. We watched the movie together and then had a deep personal discussion of salvation. She is such a true angel in God’s universe.
3. Witness: Trippy Lin
OIC: State your name for the record.
Lin: My name is Trippy Lin.
OIC: Miss Lin, do you know Monica Lewdinsky?
Lin: Yes. I was a friend of Monica Lewdinsky.
OIC: Did Monica Lewdinsky confide in you?
Lin: Yes, she did confide in me.
OIC: What did Miss Lewdinsky confide in you about?
Lin: Monica Lewdinsky confided in me of how she had sex with the President. At first I thought it was a joke, but then she started giving me details of how she had to deliver important papers to him in the Oval Office or how she had to help him search for his lost contact lenses in the bushes behind the White House. I then discovered that she was telling me the truth and that I had to save her and save this country. It was my duty as a member of C.R.O.A.C.C.
OIC: And what does C.R.O.A.C stand for?
Lin: C.R.O.A.C.C stands for the Committed Republican Organization Against Clinton’s Cock. We are a dedicated right-wing Republican Conspiracy organization to foster the removal of Clinton’s Cock in any way, and for the replacement of a true, red-blooded, Republican American’s cock with strong conservative, Christian moral values. When I heard of Monica’s escapades, I had to do something to stop this growing evil. So I started secretly taping our conversations without Monica’s knowledge with this tape cassette and recorder.
Translator’s Note: Miss Lin displays a tape recorder to show the Grand Jury. There is a cassette tape inside the recorder.
OIC: Please tell the Jury about those secret tapes.
Lin: When Monica first started talking to me a out how she was having sex with the President, I was flabbergasted—I mean, I didn’t get any of Clinton’s Cock, but Monica did. It was Clinton’s own cock that was at fault. So, I started to secretly tape my conversations with Monica about her sexual affairs with the President. At first, I didn’t know what to do with these tapes—I mean if I send them to C.R.O.A.C.C, the C.I.A would probably find out and send terrorist hit squads against C.R.O.A.C.C. members. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew that the National Inquirer would pay a half million for the tapes, but I wasn’t sure If I wanted to sell them yet. I needed some help.
OIC: What type of help did you seek?
Lin: There was only one man who could help me with these secret tapes. There was only one man who’s advise on this matter I could trust. I took the tape recorder and the tapes with me and then flew out to San Clemente, California to ask Richard Nixon for his advise.
OIC: Former President Richard Nixon is dead.
Lin: I know. I went to his gravesite to talk to him about my plight. I told him about the tapes and the secret government conspiracy to destroy the tapes. I was hoping that his conscious could enter me in some sort of cosmic display of supernatural forces that would reveal the truth to me.
Translator’s Note: After this last statement from Trippy Lin, an unusual weather disturbance occurred in the Grand Jury Testimony Room. The doors to the room were suddenly opened by a fierce wind. Papers and legal briefs flew everywhere. Then, the tape recorder, which contained the secret recordings on tape, slowly rose up from the witness table and floated in the air for several minutes. The tape recorder then turned itself on and played a strange voice off the tape.
Here is a transcript of the voice recording played on the tape recorder.
Tape Recorder: KOORCATONMAI!
Translator’s Note: As a result of the paranormal events that occurred during the testimony of Miss Lin, the Office of Independent Counsel suspended hearings for 3 days while a Special Investigative Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation examined the tape and the paranormal events that occurred in the Grand Jury Testimony hearings.
4. Witness: Agent Fox Mulder, Federal Bureau of Investigation
5. Witness: Agent Dana Scully, Federal Bureau of Investigation
OIC: Have you concluded your investigation into the events that occurred in this room last week?
Mulder: Yes sir, we have. We subjected the tape to an extensive voice analysis and filtration. In the process of our examinations, we have discovered some interesting results. When you play the recording forwards, you will hear what sounds as gibberish.
Translator’s Note: Agent Mulder plays the tape recording forwards.
Tape Recorder: KOORCATONMAI!
Mulder: However, if you play that same tape backwards in the machine, you will hear something different:
Translator’s Note: Agent Mulder plays the tape recording backwards.
Tape Recorder: IAMNOTACROOK!
Mulder: We also ran a voice print analysis of the voice on the tape and compared the findings with a voice print analysis of sound recordings made back in 1974 of President Nixon’s resignation speech. The evidence is clear. The voice on that tape recording is Richard Nixon.
OIC: Agent Mulder, do you expect us to believe—
Mulder: I don’t know how else to explain it. While investigating the Grand Jury Testimony Room, we found several spots in the room, which exhibited extreme temperature variations—cold spots. Cold spots are the results of poltergeists and ghosts moving through the physical realm. This is physical evidence of paranormal activities. My guess is that when Trippy Lin took the tape to Richard Nixon’s grave, she must have triggered a psychic bond between herself, the secret tapes and Richard Nixon. Nixon was trying to communicate something to her. We haven’t found out what the message is.
OIC: Agent Scully?
Scully: We don’t know whether the cold spots were caused by paranormal activity or if there is a logical explanation. The air conditioning in the building has been shut down for maintenance this week. It is possible that there was a malfunction in the system that caused the air conditioning to switch on at maximum power, resulting in forced air blowing into the Grand Jury Testimony Room and causing the events last week. With regards to the tapes, anyone with the knowledge of sound imaging software and computers can adjust the contents of the tape—
Mulder: Why can’t you believe in the truth Scully?
Scully: Because there are other answers out there besides paranormal or UFO activities. Mulder, why can’t you believe that these events might have been caused by a logical, scientific explanation—
OIC: Why can’t the two of you just get on with it?
Mulder: The Office of Independent Counsel wants us to get on with it.
Scully: Okay, Mulder. If you insist—
Translator’s Note: Agents Mulder and Scully turn to each other, then fling into each other’s arms, kissing deeply, wildly. Mulder pushes Scully up on the witness table. Scully pulls Mulder’s jacket off. Mulder unbuttons Scully’s blouse, revealing her creamy white breasts— perhaps this transcript should continue at a later time.
Grand Juror Number Six: After 5 years, it is about time those two finally did it.
6. Witness: Sergio Orgasma.
OIC: State your name and occupation for the record.
Orgasma: Well, honey, my name is Sergio Orgasma and I’m a hair stylist in Beverly Hills, California.
OIC: Mr. Orgasma, how do you know the President?
Orgasma: Oh, I do know the President so intimately well. If only you knew what a MANLY MAN he is—I just get so hot thinking about this.
OIC: When did you first meet with the President?
Orgasma: We first met when he was on a trip to Los Angeles—he was attending some fund raising dinner or something. Anyways, he wanted to get his hair cut while he was out there in California, so he called my salon—I think he got a reference from another of my favorite customers Teddy Kennedy—Now there’s a man with such a drive. OOOOOOOOHHHHH! It is getting hot in here. Is the air conditioning off, or is it just me?
OIC: The air conditioning is turned off for maintenance. Please continue.
Orgasma: Okay honey, so I got this call from the President himself saying that he wanted me to come out to Air Force One and cut his hair for him. NOW BABY, I’m telling you. What hair stylist is NOT going to turn down an offer to style the President’s hair? On Air Force One? I just had to see him. So I went to Air Force One and then met the President. What a HUNK of a macho man. We had to go into the Presidential Washroom in order for me to serve my country as a hair stylist. Such a tiny washroom—OOOOHHHH WWWWOOOOO!!!! Just thinking about massaging the President’s head gives me SHIVERS! After I shampooed and trimmed his hair, the President thanked me, and then asked if I could help him search for his contact lenses in the Presidential Bedroom. He didn’t find his contacts, but I found what I was looking for—WWOOOHHH—HOOO—HOOOOO!
OIC: So you massaged the President’s head, and then helped him look for his contact lenses in the Presidential Bedroom on Air Force One?
Orgasma: Mr. Special Prosecutor, the President is ALWAYS losing his contacts. Why, he even lost his contacts in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House. I’m supposed to help him find his contacts in the Lincoln Bedroom next week.
OIC: Thank you Mr. Orgasma. That will be all.
Orgasma: Say, Mr. Special Prosecutor—you haven’t lost your glasses or…uumm…contact lenses in your office now...have you? Because if you have, Honey, I’m ready to help you find your contacts anytime! You know where you can find me Babe.
OIC: Thank you Mr. Orgasma.
7. Witness: Monica Lewdinsky
OIC: State your name for the record please.
Lewdinsky: My name is Monica Lewdinsky.
OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, the Grand Jury would like to know if you had sex with the President?
Lewdinsky: I…uh….
OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, please answer the question. Did you have sex with the President?
Lewdinsky: ALL RIGHT! I DID IT! I FUCKED THE PRESIDENT! I FUCKED HIM SO HARD THAT HE LOVED IT! I ADMIT IT! I’M CRAZY! I wanted to fuck the President, as I wanted to fuck the Vice President, and the Speaker of the House, and the Joint Chiefs and the Supreme Court Justices. It was my secret desire—to have a Washington ORGY!
OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, your behavior in this Grand Jury proceedings and your testimony has gone too far! I want to see you alone in my chambers RIGHT NOW!
8. Witness: William Jefferson Clinton
Translator’s Note: Because of the nature of a sitting President giving testimony to a Grand Jury and to the Office of Independent Counsel, special precautionary measures were set up for this testimony. The President would give his testimony in the Map Room of the White House. A video camera would feed a live image via satellite to the Grand Jury room for the jury to see the President and hear his testimony. The camera shows the President from the chest up. The video would be encrypted for security measures. The Independent Counsel would be able to ask questions to the President via his own encrypted video feed to the White House Map room for the President.
OIC: Mr. President. This office has received allegations that you have behaved in an “improper” manner through the initiation of an extramarital sexual relationship while serving in office. This office and Grand Jury would like to know if these allegations are true.
President: I would like to make a statement for the record before answering questions on this matter. I would like to state for the record, that I have never had sex with that woman—not for a million years. Not for a billion years. I have never had sex with that woman! Never! Never! Never! No! NO! NO! Oooooooooo….
OIC: Mr. President, this office has accumulated evidence which reveals that you had a sexual relationship while serving in office. And this office is accumulating evidence that you have lied to Congress and have lied to the American people as to the nature of this relationship. Did you lie to Congress and to the American people as to the nature of this relationship?
President: I did not lie to Congress or to the American People. I regard the laws of the United Sates Constitution to be the highest law in the land. The American people elected me as President and I am sworn to uphold and “Protect, preserve and defend the Constitution of the United States.” Oooohhh God…
OIC: Mr. President, you are under oath to answer truthfully. If you lie in these Grand Jury proceedings, you will be committing perjury and subjected to impeachment. Did you have an improper sexual relationship while serving in office?
President: Oooooo God—NO! I DID NOT!
OIC: Mr. President, did you have sex in the White House?
President: Ooooo…. YES! I mean NO!
Translator’s Note: At this moment, the camera showing the President’s live video feed of the Grand Jury testimony tips slightly. As a result of this shifting, the camera moves showing the President’s full body. He is sitting in a chair, facing the camera. His pants and underwear have been pulled down to his ankles. Kneeling down in front of the President is the First Lady. The First Lady is pressing her face between the President’s legs, performing oral copulation for the President. She stops for a moment, and then looks back at the video camera. She makes a comment to the President, which is transcribed here for the record.
First Lady: DAMMIT BILL! It’s time for you to get down on your knees and start KISSING MY ASS FOR A CHANGE!
END GRAND JURY TESTIMONY.
Star Trek Essay
Star Fleet Academy
Camp Star Trek
San Francisco
OKAY! EVERYONE OFF THE BUS! WAKE-UP! OFF THE BUS! DOUBLE-TIME—MOVE IT! MOVE-MOVE-MOVE!!!!!
LINE UP—SINGLE FILE!
TEN-HUT!
At ease.
Good afternoon. I would like to welcome you all to Star Fleet Academy—Camp Star Trek. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Sergeant Slaughter. I am your drill instructor during your basic training. For the next eight weeks, you will know everything about Star Trek. You will sleep, eat, exercise, talk, think and crap Star Trek. Now, I want to give you all a piece of advice: YOUR MOMMA IS NOT HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! The only people here to take care of you are you…me--and Uncle Sam. I AM NOT YOUR MOMMA! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Yes…yessir…uh…yeah….
THAT IS NOT THE CORRECT RESPONSE WHEN YOU ADDRESS ME! When I give you an order, you will answer: SIR, YES SIR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Sir, yes Sir!
WHAT WAS THAT?
SIR, YES SIR!
I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUU?
SIR, YES SIR!
Now I want you all to pickup your gear and hustle over to that big green building. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
MOVE IT!
All right—Now you’re all starting to look like Marines rather than the maggot-infested hippies when you came in here. It will grow out soldier. When you enter Star Trek Academy, you will learn all there is to know about Classic Star Trek. We’re talking the one and only original—Not the Next Generation. You are going where no man has gone before.
Classic Star Trek was set at a timeline of 200 years into the future beyond 1968. The great thing about Classic Trek is that even though it is set in the future, the show contains all the stereotypes of the 1960s. In other words, the social norms and values were those found in 1968. Here’s a wonderful example. The female crewmembers serving in Classic Trek seem to have only two jobs—serve coffee to Jim Kirk and hand clipboards for Kirk to sign. Think of it. What is Yeoman Janice Rand’s job function? She serves coffee and hands clipboards to Captain Kirk to sign. In fact, the only female member of Classic Trek that does not serve coffee and give clipboards to Kirk to sign is Communications Officer Lieutenant Uhura. What you ask? No female captains or admirals in Starfleet? DO YOU THINK WE WANT SOME GIRLY-GIRLS IN COMMAND OF THE FEDERATION OR STARFLEET?
SIR, NO SIR!
Well, you’re starting to learn now. Here’s another value of the 60s that can be found in the Classic Trek. Take a look at what the women are wearing in Classic Trek. Them mini-skirts are nice—especially on those hot chicks. I must say—Yeoman Rand and Lieutenant Uhura have got some pretty fine looking legs? In fact, the standard uniform for the female crewmembers is nothing but mini-skirts. Would you say so?
SIR, YES SIR!
Another aspect that you must learn about the Classic Trek and women—all the women are drop dead gorgeous! When did you ever see any ugly-looking chicks on Classic Trek! They don’t exist—all the chicks on there on Classic Trek are gorgeous and thin! Do you think you’ll ever see Roseanne Barr wearing those mini-skirt uniforms on Classic Trek?
SIR, NO SIR!
No, you’re not. And the reason is that they’re not going to show any ugly chicks on Classic Trek. The network executives from NBC who first aired the series are going to keep all the stereotypes and social norms on women’s lib that existed in the 1960s. Now, if you watch the original pilot episode that Gene Roddenberry showed for the network execs, Roddenberry included a female second-in-command named Number One (Who was played by Majel Barrett—later Nurse Chapel in the series). In this pilot episode, the original captain was Christopher Pike. Mr. Spock was third in command. The NBC network execs didn’t like that—A WOMAN IN A COMMAND POSITION! They got rid of Number 1, moved Mr. Spock up to second-in-command, and then replaced Captain Christopher Pike with James T Kirk. The rest is history. What you may not realize is that Gene Roddenberry was twenty years ahead of his time in giving command positions on Federation Starships to women. In fact, I believe the first recorded instance of a female captain on a starship was in the movie Star Trek IV—The Voyage Home! In the first ten minutes of the movie, a black female captain of the starship Saratoga makes a pass on the mysterious black spaceship and the starship Saratoga loses all power.
OKAY—YOU MAGGOTS! Now is not the time for talk—IT IS THE TIME FOR ACTION! I want you all to run over there and attack that jungle gym. And when you attack that jungle gym, I want to hear your war cry—DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
I DIDN’T HEAR YOUR WAR CRY!
AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
WHAT WAS THAT?
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
NOW ATTACK THAT JUNGLE GYM!
SIR, YES SIR! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
All right, you think you’re pretty macho now. But Star Fleet and the Federation will need real macho men—not some pussyfoot wussies. And I’m going to train you all how to be real macho men. I want you all to remember this name—James T Kirk. He is the ultimate macho man that all Star Fleet cadets aspire to. He’s tough! He’s strong—he doesn’t break down and ball his head off like that pussyfoot Jean Luc Picard does in Star Trek Generations. Even his name is ultimate macho—JAMES TEE KIRK! What a hot…strong…macho…hunk…of a man.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT—EYES FRONT AND CENTER!
SIR, YES SIR!
Now in order to become the ultimate macho guy, you got to do two things. First, you’re going to need to have your shirt ripped off of every episode. It doesn’t matter how or when. It is absolutely imperative that your shirt is ripped off. Why you ask? Why to show off your bulging muscles and sex appeal! I don’t care if your shirt is ripped off you by gorgeous babes lusting over your body, or by blood-sucking aliens wanting to eat you for lunch. In just about every Classic Trek episode, Jim Kirk had his shirt ripped off somehow and he took it as the ultimate macho guy. When’s the last time you saw Captain Picard with his shirt ripped off…or Katherine Janeway with her shirt ripped off? Just make sure your shirt gets ripped off—and don’t worry about the wardrobe costs. NOW RIP YOUR SHIRTS OFF!
SIR, YES SIR! RRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!!!!
Got to do something about the lack of bulging muscles. The second thing you’ve got to do in order to become the ultimate macho guy is to be the ultimate ladies man. You’ve got to seduce every gorgeous guest star that comes on Classic Trek—in the first 10 minutes!! THAT’S RIGHT! Not only are you going to have to rip your shirt off, but also you’re going to have to make out with every gorgeous babe that’s a guest star on Classic Trek. James Kirk did it—did some serious smooching with Lieutenant Uhura in an interracial sex scene between a white man and a black woman. And this was during the 1960s! Oh and lest I forget, don’t forget about them gorgeous green babes either. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
Now I want all of you to run over to that obstacle course where you’ll rip off your shirts and tackle becoming a ladies man with those plastic blow-up dolls. Go after all those plastic blow-up dolls. There’s only one way your going to become an ultimate macho man and that’s by practice. When you run through that obstacle course, I want to hear your war cry—DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
MOVE IT!
SIR, YES SIR! AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH! RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!!!
Very good. You’re becoming more like Star Fleet cadets. Just the kind of men we’re looking for to protect the Federation from the Klingons and Romulans. Your training is almost through. But first, we’re going to have to determine where your career shall take you in the Federation. And I’m going to show you those career paths.
Your career path is determined in Classic Trek by the shirt you’re going to be wearing. You have the option of wearing one of three different colored shirts—red, yellow or blue. In order to wear each shirt, you must have specialized training.
If your career path requires you to wear a red shirt, you must have extremely precise and specialized training in either communication techniques for the Engineering Department, or security-conflict-avoidance techniques for the Security Department. With the Engineering Department, you must master the communication techniques of engineering-speak. You must learn to tell the captain how in a time of crisis, the starship engines will not take much more abuse and that they will blow up—never mind whether they will blow up or not. The engines never blow up in a crisis situation on Classic Trek and the captain will never take you advise anyway—he just screams for more power to the engines. After you tell the captain that the engines won’t take much more abuse, increase the power to the engines, and then hold on to the wire mesh screen in the engine room while swaying back and forth. I don’t care if the ground and the ship is level and straight—just sway back and forth anyway. Because the folks up on the bridge are also swaying back and forth while the ship is straight and level. If you can master the communication techniques of engineering-speak in a bad Scottish accent while swaying around by the wire mesh screen in the Engine Room, you could go all the way to Chief Engineer.
For those of you choosing to wear a red shirt for the Security Department, I must admire your tenacity and courage. It is one of the most hazardous jobs in the Federation. To succeed, you will need strength, stamina, and my training in security-conflict-avoidance. In just about every episode of Classic Trek, the red-shirt guy from the Security Department always seems to be killed by the blood-sucking alien. I am going to show you how not to be killed by the blood-sucking alien—LET THE OTHER RED SHIRT GUY GET KILLED BY THE BLOOD-SUCKING ALIEN! If you are wearing a red shirt and are beamed down to an alien planet, the statistical probabilities are high enough that you’re going to be killed by the blood-sucking alien. The way not to get killed is to stay together with another member of your crew—preferably one wearing a blue or yellow shirt. Don’t wander off alone on an alien planet—you’re going to get killed! If you do find yourself alone with the blood-sucking alien—DON’T PANIC! Hold out your hand and greet the alien. Offer him some tea and crumpets More than likely, the blood-sucking alien is just passing by the planet on the way to the grocery store for some milk and eggs, or he has an appointment with his doctor to cure his hemorrhoids. Whatever you do—DON’T FIRE YOUR PHASER AT THE BLOOD-SUCKING ALIEN! That will only piss him off and he’s going to eat you for lunch.
The second career path you may enter into is with the yellow shirt. Yellow shirts designate two distinct career choices in Star Fleet—Command and Miscellaneous areas. If you’ve become captain of a starship or an admiral of the Fleet, then you’re going to be wearing a yellow shirt of Command. I don’t have to tell you what your training is to be for the command of a starship and the honor of wearing a yellow shirt. If you’re in command of a starship, you also have the added honor of wearing another colored shirt—a green shirt that wraps around you. This is an important part of your uniform wardrobe as a starship captain since the green wrap-around-shirt is far easier to be ripped off by gorgeous ladies lusting for your hot body. If you are not a captain of a starship, or admiral, but are wearing a yellow shirt, this means that you will be assigned to various miscellaneous duties on the starship. You may be assigned to Phaser Control Room, Helm, Navigation, or even one of the unknown stations on the bridge. In that case, you must learn how to look at your gauges and buttons in a manner of concentration, pressing an occasional button or flicking a switch very seriously. If you’re assigned to Helm or Navigation, you must learn how to repeat the captain’s course change as “Mark 31,” “Warp One sir,” or even “Aye Captain.” In navigation, you must learn to say, “We’re approaching the planet XT14569.” You may think that crew members wearing yellow shirts are boring. But remember this. It is the yellow shirt crew members that will have the best career path to becoming starship captains.
The third and final career path is wearing blue shirts. Blue shirt crew members are assigned to the Science Department and Medical Department. Science and medicine are two of the intellectual elite’s in the Federation. For Science Department station on the bridge of a starship, you must learn to think and talk like a computer. Try practice speaking in a DOS or a BASIC programming language as you explain to the captain how to route the warp engines into the phaser control to export out into the main deflector grid in order to save the ship. Don’t worry if the captain doesn’t understand—he’s too busy ripping his shirt off and seducing the gorgeous babe, who’s the current guest star for that episode. Your job is to save the ship from the Klingons and Romulans. And NO! As a Science Officer, you’re not entitled to any seductions from the gorgeous babe guest stars. If you’re entering the medical profession, you will have a fine career ahead of you. As a Medical Doctor in Star Fleet, you will be required to quickly analyze a medical crisis and communicate that medical analysis to the captain. For example, if a blood-sucking alien has attacked a red-shirt guy, you job will be to kneel down at the prone body, place your finger on his neck, and then say, “He’s dead Jim!” This is one of the most important functions of a ship’s doctor—to communicate that medical information of “He’s dead Jim!” I don’t care if the captain’s name is Tom, Dick, or Harry. You must communicate the medical information of “He’s dead Jim!”
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
Another important function of a ship’s doctor is to communicate your job description. Remember, you are a doctor. You must do doctor things. You do not perform any other job descriptions even though the captain may order you to. You must communicate this to the captain in a specific way—“My GOD Jim, I’m a DOCTOR not a FILL-IN-THE-BLANK!” You must know hundreds of different job characteristics to communicate this information to the captain, even though the captain will not listen to you and order you to become a FILL-IN-THE-BLANK! Then, you must learn to quickly master that job description and do that job. This can be a stressful job for some, but it also can be fulfilling. You will have your own office and you have gorgeous nurses who will work under you. Although please remember that the gorgeous nurses will want to lust over the Science Officer on the starship. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
Very well. Cadets, I want to congratulate you on the end of your training. With the skills you have mastered here, you will be able to face any obstacle and to serve, protect, and defend the Constitution against the Klingons and Romulans.
I salute you. Semper Fi. Carry on.
Camp Star Trek
San Francisco
OKAY! EVERYONE OFF THE BUS! WAKE-UP! OFF THE BUS! DOUBLE-TIME—MOVE IT! MOVE-MOVE-MOVE!!!!!
LINE UP—SINGLE FILE!
TEN-HUT!
At ease.
Good afternoon. I would like to welcome you all to Star Fleet Academy—Camp Star Trek. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Sergeant Slaughter. I am your drill instructor during your basic training. For the next eight weeks, you will know everything about Star Trek. You will sleep, eat, exercise, talk, think and crap Star Trek. Now, I want to give you all a piece of advice: YOUR MOMMA IS NOT HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! The only people here to take care of you are you…me--and Uncle Sam. I AM NOT YOUR MOMMA! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Yes…yessir…uh…yeah….
THAT IS NOT THE CORRECT RESPONSE WHEN YOU ADDRESS ME! When I give you an order, you will answer: SIR, YES SIR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Sir, yes Sir!
WHAT WAS THAT?
SIR, YES SIR!
I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUU?
SIR, YES SIR!
Now I want you all to pickup your gear and hustle over to that big green building. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
MOVE IT!
All right—Now you’re all starting to look like Marines rather than the maggot-infested hippies when you came in here. It will grow out soldier. When you enter Star Trek Academy, you will learn all there is to know about Classic Star Trek. We’re talking the one and only original—Not the Next Generation. You are going where no man has gone before.
Classic Star Trek was set at a timeline of 200 years into the future beyond 1968. The great thing about Classic Trek is that even though it is set in the future, the show contains all the stereotypes of the 1960s. In other words, the social norms and values were those found in 1968. Here’s a wonderful example. The female crewmembers serving in Classic Trek seem to have only two jobs—serve coffee to Jim Kirk and hand clipboards for Kirk to sign. Think of it. What is Yeoman Janice Rand’s job function? She serves coffee and hands clipboards to Captain Kirk to sign. In fact, the only female member of Classic Trek that does not serve coffee and give clipboards to Kirk to sign is Communications Officer Lieutenant Uhura. What you ask? No female captains or admirals in Starfleet? DO YOU THINK WE WANT SOME GIRLY-GIRLS IN COMMAND OF THE FEDERATION OR STARFLEET?
SIR, NO SIR!
Well, you’re starting to learn now. Here’s another value of the 60s that can be found in the Classic Trek. Take a look at what the women are wearing in Classic Trek. Them mini-skirts are nice—especially on those hot chicks. I must say—Yeoman Rand and Lieutenant Uhura have got some pretty fine looking legs? In fact, the standard uniform for the female crewmembers is nothing but mini-skirts. Would you say so?
SIR, YES SIR!
Another aspect that you must learn about the Classic Trek and women—all the women are drop dead gorgeous! When did you ever see any ugly-looking chicks on Classic Trek! They don’t exist—all the chicks on there on Classic Trek are gorgeous and thin! Do you think you’ll ever see Roseanne Barr wearing those mini-skirt uniforms on Classic Trek?
SIR, NO SIR!
No, you’re not. And the reason is that they’re not going to show any ugly chicks on Classic Trek. The network executives from NBC who first aired the series are going to keep all the stereotypes and social norms on women’s lib that existed in the 1960s. Now, if you watch the original pilot episode that Gene Roddenberry showed for the network execs, Roddenberry included a female second-in-command named Number One (Who was played by Majel Barrett—later Nurse Chapel in the series). In this pilot episode, the original captain was Christopher Pike. Mr. Spock was third in command. The NBC network execs didn’t like that—A WOMAN IN A COMMAND POSITION! They got rid of Number 1, moved Mr. Spock up to second-in-command, and then replaced Captain Christopher Pike with James T Kirk. The rest is history. What you may not realize is that Gene Roddenberry was twenty years ahead of his time in giving command positions on Federation Starships to women. In fact, I believe the first recorded instance of a female captain on a starship was in the movie Star Trek IV—The Voyage Home! In the first ten minutes of the movie, a black female captain of the starship Saratoga makes a pass on the mysterious black spaceship and the starship Saratoga loses all power.
OKAY—YOU MAGGOTS! Now is not the time for talk—IT IS THE TIME FOR ACTION! I want you all to run over there and attack that jungle gym. And when you attack that jungle gym, I want to hear your war cry—DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
I DIDN’T HEAR YOUR WAR CRY!
AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
WHAT WAS THAT?
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
NOW ATTACK THAT JUNGLE GYM!
SIR, YES SIR! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
All right, you think you’re pretty macho now. But Star Fleet and the Federation will need real macho men—not some pussyfoot wussies. And I’m going to train you all how to be real macho men. I want you all to remember this name—James T Kirk. He is the ultimate macho man that all Star Fleet cadets aspire to. He’s tough! He’s strong—he doesn’t break down and ball his head off like that pussyfoot Jean Luc Picard does in Star Trek Generations. Even his name is ultimate macho—JAMES TEE KIRK! What a hot…strong…macho…hunk…of a man.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT—EYES FRONT AND CENTER!
SIR, YES SIR!
Now in order to become the ultimate macho guy, you got to do two things. First, you’re going to need to have your shirt ripped off of every episode. It doesn’t matter how or when. It is absolutely imperative that your shirt is ripped off. Why you ask? Why to show off your bulging muscles and sex appeal! I don’t care if your shirt is ripped off you by gorgeous babes lusting over your body, or by blood-sucking aliens wanting to eat you for lunch. In just about every Classic Trek episode, Jim Kirk had his shirt ripped off somehow and he took it as the ultimate macho guy. When’s the last time you saw Captain Picard with his shirt ripped off…or Katherine Janeway with her shirt ripped off? Just make sure your shirt gets ripped off—and don’t worry about the wardrobe costs. NOW RIP YOUR SHIRTS OFF!
SIR, YES SIR! RRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!!!!
Got to do something about the lack of bulging muscles. The second thing you’ve got to do in order to become the ultimate macho guy is to be the ultimate ladies man. You’ve got to seduce every gorgeous guest star that comes on Classic Trek—in the first 10 minutes!! THAT’S RIGHT! Not only are you going to have to rip your shirt off, but also you’re going to have to make out with every gorgeous babe that’s a guest star on Classic Trek. James Kirk did it—did some serious smooching with Lieutenant Uhura in an interracial sex scene between a white man and a black woman. And this was during the 1960s! Oh and lest I forget, don’t forget about them gorgeous green babes either. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
Now I want all of you to run over to that obstacle course where you’ll rip off your shirts and tackle becoming a ladies man with those plastic blow-up dolls. Go after all those plastic blow-up dolls. There’s only one way your going to become an ultimate macho man and that’s by practice. When you run through that obstacle course, I want to hear your war cry—DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
MOVE IT!
SIR, YES SIR! AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH! RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!!!
Very good. You’re becoming more like Star Fleet cadets. Just the kind of men we’re looking for to protect the Federation from the Klingons and Romulans. Your training is almost through. But first, we’re going to have to determine where your career shall take you in the Federation. And I’m going to show you those career paths.
Your career path is determined in Classic Trek by the shirt you’re going to be wearing. You have the option of wearing one of three different colored shirts—red, yellow or blue. In order to wear each shirt, you must have specialized training.
If your career path requires you to wear a red shirt, you must have extremely precise and specialized training in either communication techniques for the Engineering Department, or security-conflict-avoidance techniques for the Security Department. With the Engineering Department, you must master the communication techniques of engineering-speak. You must learn to tell the captain how in a time of crisis, the starship engines will not take much more abuse and that they will blow up—never mind whether they will blow up or not. The engines never blow up in a crisis situation on Classic Trek and the captain will never take you advise anyway—he just screams for more power to the engines. After you tell the captain that the engines won’t take much more abuse, increase the power to the engines, and then hold on to the wire mesh screen in the engine room while swaying back and forth. I don’t care if the ground and the ship is level and straight—just sway back and forth anyway. Because the folks up on the bridge are also swaying back and forth while the ship is straight and level. If you can master the communication techniques of engineering-speak in a bad Scottish accent while swaying around by the wire mesh screen in the Engine Room, you could go all the way to Chief Engineer.
For those of you choosing to wear a red shirt for the Security Department, I must admire your tenacity and courage. It is one of the most hazardous jobs in the Federation. To succeed, you will need strength, stamina, and my training in security-conflict-avoidance. In just about every episode of Classic Trek, the red-shirt guy from the Security Department always seems to be killed by the blood-sucking alien. I am going to show you how not to be killed by the blood-sucking alien—LET THE OTHER RED SHIRT GUY GET KILLED BY THE BLOOD-SUCKING ALIEN! If you are wearing a red shirt and are beamed down to an alien planet, the statistical probabilities are high enough that you’re going to be killed by the blood-sucking alien. The way not to get killed is to stay together with another member of your crew—preferably one wearing a blue or yellow shirt. Don’t wander off alone on an alien planet—you’re going to get killed! If you do find yourself alone with the blood-sucking alien—DON’T PANIC! Hold out your hand and greet the alien. Offer him some tea and crumpets More than likely, the blood-sucking alien is just passing by the planet on the way to the grocery store for some milk and eggs, or he has an appointment with his doctor to cure his hemorrhoids. Whatever you do—DON’T FIRE YOUR PHASER AT THE BLOOD-SUCKING ALIEN! That will only piss him off and he’s going to eat you for lunch.
The second career path you may enter into is with the yellow shirt. Yellow shirts designate two distinct career choices in Star Fleet—Command and Miscellaneous areas. If you’ve become captain of a starship or an admiral of the Fleet, then you’re going to be wearing a yellow shirt of Command. I don’t have to tell you what your training is to be for the command of a starship and the honor of wearing a yellow shirt. If you’re in command of a starship, you also have the added honor of wearing another colored shirt—a green shirt that wraps around you. This is an important part of your uniform wardrobe as a starship captain since the green wrap-around-shirt is far easier to be ripped off by gorgeous ladies lusting for your hot body. If you are not a captain of a starship, or admiral, but are wearing a yellow shirt, this means that you will be assigned to various miscellaneous duties on the starship. You may be assigned to Phaser Control Room, Helm, Navigation, or even one of the unknown stations on the bridge. In that case, you must learn how to look at your gauges and buttons in a manner of concentration, pressing an occasional button or flicking a switch very seriously. If you’re assigned to Helm or Navigation, you must learn how to repeat the captain’s course change as “Mark 31,” “Warp One sir,” or even “Aye Captain.” In navigation, you must learn to say, “We’re approaching the planet XT14569.” You may think that crew members wearing yellow shirts are boring. But remember this. It is the yellow shirt crew members that will have the best career path to becoming starship captains.
The third and final career path is wearing blue shirts. Blue shirt crew members are assigned to the Science Department and Medical Department. Science and medicine are two of the intellectual elite’s in the Federation. For Science Department station on the bridge of a starship, you must learn to think and talk like a computer. Try practice speaking in a DOS or a BASIC programming language as you explain to the captain how to route the warp engines into the phaser control to export out into the main deflector grid in order to save the ship. Don’t worry if the captain doesn’t understand—he’s too busy ripping his shirt off and seducing the gorgeous babe, who’s the current guest star for that episode. Your job is to save the ship from the Klingons and Romulans. And NO! As a Science Officer, you’re not entitled to any seductions from the gorgeous babe guest stars. If you’re entering the medical profession, you will have a fine career ahead of you. As a Medical Doctor in Star Fleet, you will be required to quickly analyze a medical crisis and communicate that medical analysis to the captain. For example, if a blood-sucking alien has attacked a red-shirt guy, you job will be to kneel down at the prone body, place your finger on his neck, and then say, “He’s dead Jim!” This is one of the most important functions of a ship’s doctor—to communicate that medical information of “He’s dead Jim!” I don’t care if the captain’s name is Tom, Dick, or Harry. You must communicate the medical information of “He’s dead Jim!”
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
Another important function of a ship’s doctor is to communicate your job description. Remember, you are a doctor. You must do doctor things. You do not perform any other job descriptions even though the captain may order you to. You must communicate this to the captain in a specific way—“My GOD Jim, I’m a DOCTOR not a FILL-IN-THE-BLANK!” You must know hundreds of different job characteristics to communicate this information to the captain, even though the captain will not listen to you and order you to become a FILL-IN-THE-BLANK! Then, you must learn to quickly master that job description and do that job. This can be a stressful job for some, but it also can be fulfilling. You will have your own office and you have gorgeous nurses who will work under you. Although please remember that the gorgeous nurses will want to lust over the Science Officer on the starship. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SIR, YES SIR!
Very well. Cadets, I want to congratulate you on the end of your training. With the skills you have mastered here, you will be able to face any obstacle and to serve, protect, and defend the Constitution against the Klingons and Romulans.
I salute you. Semper Fi. Carry on.
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