Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Ken Doll's letter to Bratz Doll Division of MGA Entertainment

Ken Doll
Barbie Penthouse,
Malibu, California

Executive Vice President
Sales and Marketing
Bratz Doll Division
MGA Entertainment

Dear Mr. Executive Vice President:

As you have probably heard through the numerous press releases and Entertainment Tonight stories, the rumor is true. The storybook romance between Barbie Doll and Ken Doll has now ended. We have been together for 43 years since that one day when we first met for our television commercial together in 1961. Our relationship blossomed into exciting role-playing characterizations such as Scarlett and Rhett (Gone With The Wind), Romeo and Juliet (Romeo And Juliet), and even as Arwen and Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. We were together in three successful movies—Barbie of “Swan Lake,” Barbie as “Rapunzel,” and Barbie in the “Nutcracker.” You can even see us together in our fourth upcoming movie Barbie as “The Princess and the Pauper.”

But our relationship has now ended. It seems that throughout the 43 years of our time together, Barbie never really saw me as an equal. I was the prop—the “boy toy” for Barbie. Barbie got to be Military Medic Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Nurse Barbie, Firewoman Barbie, Policewoman Barbie, and Rock Star Barbie. Barbie even ran for president of the United States in 2004. Where was Ken when Barbie was gallivanting around the world? He was sitting in the Barbie Lounge, beside the Barbie Pool, located next to the Barbie Penthouse. Or Ken would get into the Barbie Corvette to drive to the Barbie Disco Lounge for a double scotch. Barbie never loved Ken—oh she may have tolerated him and thought of him as a friend. But I always knew that Barbie’s true love was for G.I. Joe. He’s big. He’s tough. He dresses in khakis and fights the Commies or the Viet Cong, or Cobra. In the 1980s, G.I. Joe shrank down to three-inch doll where he could play with a lot of high tech toys. I don’t think Barbie ever cared for a midget G.I. Joe during the ‘80s. But ever since the invasion of Iraq, G.I. Joe has come back—bigger and better than ever. And Barbie has been lusting for Joe ever since.

And so, you have the breakup to the storybook romance. Whatever you think, don’t believe in the new romance for the Cali Girl Barbie and Blaine—that new Australian boogie boarder who has replaced me. He’s just another boy toy. I know—I was one of them! But I’ve learned something in those 43 years of lounging by the Barbie pool, as just another prop, while Barbie met with her tax accountants, her lawyers, and her market communications specialists. I listened, and learned of how the Barbie Empire was created and managed. I can provide you with those intimate details in your own quest to topple the Barbie Empire.

Consider the following:

A new pairing between MGA Entertainment’s hot new Bratz doll and Ken. Bratz is hip—she’s chic. Bratz and Ken could drink tequila straight up, with a pinch of salt and lime, all while dancing the night away to techno music. Think of the possibilities of Ken The Pimp, or Ken The Gigolo. We could develop a whole new marketing campaign in the inner city areas of Los Angeles, Detroit, and New York to entice the young children and gang member wannabes with Rapper Bratz and her rapper beau Ken (dressed in baggy jeans, a basketball jersey, and a backwards-wearing baseball cap). You can even create collectable rapper Bratz and Ken dolls for selected cities—Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia. Or if you wish to target the “Red State” market, there is Redneck Ken—dressed in overalls, carrying a six-pack of beer and a shotgun, ready to listen to the corn grow with his “redneck” gal Bratz in her daisy duke shorts and red-checkered shirt. They could even drive around in the General Lee. Finally, we could market Presidential Ken, complete with his own Oval Office and “Condi” Bratz as his trusted advisor. Presidential Ken could even be marketed as a war hero, dressed in a Texas Air National Guard flight suit, standing on a carrier flight deck with banner saying ‘Mission Accomplished.”

But we were only looking at the U.S. market here. There could even be an even greater Third World market for the pairing of Ken and Bratz. We could specialize with unique identities, tailored to differing geographical regions. For the Central American region, there’s Cocaine Ken, dressed in a $2000 Armani suit with a dime bag, a 9mm, and Bratz as the perfect hoe, for accessories. Think of the wonderful role model Cocaine Ken could be in teaching the little children the wonders of free market capitalism. For the children in the Middle East, we can market Al-Qaida Ken. Dressed in flowing robes and a turban, Al-Qaida Ken could battle G.I. Joe in the Iraqi toy market with his AK-47 and explosives strapped to his chest. And what would the Al-Qaida Ken doll be without his partner Eco-Terrorist Bratz? A suave, cammo-wearing babe Eco-Terrorist Bratz could battle against the evils of multinational corporations bent on destroying the environment. And as a marketing tie-in, a small donation for each Al-Qaida Ken or Ecco-Terrorist Bratz doll sold would be donated to the terrorist organization of your choice. Think of the market here. Barbie doesn’t even have a foothold in this region.

In conclusion, I offer my intimate knowledge and services regarding the Barbie Empire to your organization. These are just a few marketing ideas on how to take down the Barbie Empire. To quote a famous saying about Barbie—that bitch had everything! It is time to knock her down from that pedestal and into the mud where she can be with her true love, G.I. Joe. Oh, this is not about revenge.

It is just business.

Sincerely yours:


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