Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The Suck Report

Grand Jury Transcripts
Office of Independent Council

Translator’s Note: The material presented here is the unabridged testimony of witnesses questioned by the Office of Independent Council (OIC). It contains both the verbal testimony and significant actions taken by the witness during their testimony. This material may contain offensive language. This transcript is catalogued under Library of Congress, C1459684E45132.

1. Witness: Clint Westleaf.

OIC: State your name for the record.

Westleaf: My name is Clint Westleaf.

OIC: And what is your occupation?

Westleaf: I am a tough guy. I do tough guy things. I’m a tough guy cop, tough guy soldier, and tough guy Italian cowboy. The only time I wasn’t tough guy was when I was a wussie photographer taking pictures of bridges and seducing bored Iowa farm wives. I’m currently working as a tough guy Secret Service Agent protecting the President from bad guys.

OIC: Mr. Westleaf, do you know a Monica Lewdinsky?

Westleaf: I think she’s an intern at the White House.

OIC: Have you seen Miss Lewdinsky?

Westleaf: I’ve seen her a couple of times. She runs around delivering important papers to different offices of the White House Staff.

OIC: Describe Miss Lewdinsky’s personality?

Westleaf: She’s nice and intelligent. She has a bubbly personality. Monica does have this thing for big guns. She says that a man with a big gun turns her on. She wanted to see my big gun once. I pulled out my Sig Saur 9mm automatic to show her. She laughed and said that wasn’t what she meant by a “big gun.” She wanted to see my other “big gun.” So I showed her that big gun. She liked my big gun and said that it felt big and hard in her hands—want to see?

Translator’s Note: Mr. Westleaf proceeds to stand up in the witness chair and unbuttons his pants.

OIC: That will not be necessary Mr. Westleaf.

Translator’s Note: Mr. Westleaf sits down, his pants unbuttoned.

OIC: Did Miss Lewdinsky say she like the President’s big gun?

Westleaf: She did. She said that the President had the biggest gun she ever saw.

OIC: Describe Miss Lewdinsky’s relationship with the President?

Westleaf: Monica likes and admires the President. She’s always been a team player at the White House and she’s always helping the President whenever she can. She’s always delivering important papers to his office—then again, there are a lot of young interns delivering important papers to his office. There is one thing that she always seems to be doing for the President. The President is constantly losing his contact lenses. He loses his contacts in the bushes behind the White House. Whenever he loses his contacts, he has a young intern help him look for his contacts back behind the bushes. Monica always seems to be eager to help him find his contacts in the bushes—I don’t know why. Then again, he’s had the Speaker of the House, and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court helping him look for his contacts in the bushes behind the White House.

OIC: So the President always seems to be losing his contact lenses then.

Westleaf: That is correct.

2. Witness: Reverend William Dee Williams

OIC: State your name for the record.

Williams: My name is Reverend William Dee Williams.

OIC: And what is your occupation?

Williams: I am the Reverend of the Willie Dee Williams Congregational Church of God, pastor and host of the Willie Dee Williams Good Ole Time Gospel Hour on the Willie Dee Williams Christian Family Cable Network, chairman of the Willie Dee Williams Christian Crusade Amusement Park, founder of the Willie Dee Williams Theological Seminary, and I’m the CEO of the Willie Dee Williams Luxury Homes for Canines Corporation.

Williams: I want to let it be known for the record, that this entire sex scandal is a travesty to the Church, God, Mom, Apple Pie, and the American Way. It is my deep personal and religious opinion that the President of the United States is unfit to govern this god-loving country of ours due to the fact of his secular humanistic views of sodomy and debauchery. He should be removed from office immediately.

OIC: Mr. Williams, your statement has been entered into the record. Can you tell the Jury where you were on the night of November 17, 1995?

Williams: Why yes, I was in my office.

OIC: And what office was that

Williams: My office at the Willie Dee Williams Home for Personal Redemption and Salvation of Teenage Girls and Young Ladies. Through personal counseling and God’s true love, I hope to turn these poor, helpless, virtuous, virgin-souls away from the wicked evils of the secular world—to come into the bosom of God’s true love.

OIC: And what happened in your office that night?

Williams: Well, I had just finished personally counseling this 17-year old blond virgin, when the phone rang. It was the President. He needed my advise and help in lobbying Congress to help pass his soup kitchen bill for hookers. As we were discussing this important policy of love, I thought I heard the President say something unusual.

OIC: And what did you hear the President say that was unusual?

Williams: I believe he said something like, “Oh baby, do it!” Where I come from, when you say something like that, you’re on a path away from God’s love and heading towards the fires of damnation and lustful sodomy.

OIC: And what happened after that?

Williams: Well, I asked the President if what I heard was true. The President denied that he said those words and that the phrase came from the television where he was watching a movie on the Willie Dee Williams Christian Family Cable Network. He said the movie was Baby: The Sexy Secret That’s Not About Lost Dinosaurs. The President then asked if I would like to watch this movie on videotape. Naturally I’m curious about the subject of paleontology and its effects on Creationism, so I wanted to see the tape. The President then had an intern deliver the tape for me—delightful lady. Her name was Monica. We watched the movie together and then had a deep personal discussion of salvation. She is such a true angel in God’s universe.

3. Witness: Trippy Lin

OIC: State your name for the record.

Lin: My name is Trippy Lin.

OIC: Miss Lin, do you know Monica Lewdinsky?

Lin: Yes. I was a friend of Monica Lewdinsky.

OIC: Did Monica Lewdinsky confide in you?

Lin: Yes, she did confide in me.

OIC: What did Miss Lewdinsky confide in you about?

Lin: Monica Lewdinsky confided in me of how she had sex with the President. At first I thought it was a joke, but then she started giving me details of how she had to deliver important papers to him in the Oval Office or how she had to help him search for his lost contact lenses in the bushes behind the White House. I then discovered that she was telling me the truth and that I had to save her and save this country. It was my duty as a member of C.R.O.A.C.C.

OIC: And what does C.R.O.A.C stand for?

Lin: C.R.O.A.C.C stands for the Committed Republican Organization Against Clinton’s Cock. We are a dedicated right-wing Republican Conspiracy organization to foster the removal of Clinton’s Cock in any way, and for the replacement of a true, red-blooded, Republican American’s cock with strong conservative, Christian moral values. When I heard of Monica’s escapades, I had to do something to stop this growing evil. So I started secretly taping our conversations without Monica’s knowledge with this tape cassette and recorder.

Translator’s Note: Miss Lin displays a tape recorder to show the Grand Jury. There is a cassette tape inside the recorder.

OIC: Please tell the Jury about those secret tapes.

Lin: When Monica first started talking to me a out how she was having sex with the President, I was flabbergasted—I mean, I didn’t get any of Clinton’s Cock, but Monica did. It was Clinton’s own cock that was at fault. So, I started to secretly tape my conversations with Monica about her sexual affairs with the President. At first, I didn’t know what to do with these tapes—I mean if I send them to C.R.O.A.C.C, the C.I.A would probably find out and send terrorist hit squads against C.R.O.A.C.C. members. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew that the National Inquirer would pay a half million for the tapes, but I wasn’t sure If I wanted to sell them yet. I needed some help.

OIC: What type of help did you seek?

Lin: There was only one man who could help me with these secret tapes. There was only one man who’s advise on this matter I could trust. I took the tape recorder and the tapes with me and then flew out to San Clemente, California to ask Richard Nixon for his advise.

OIC: Former President Richard Nixon is dead.

Lin: I know. I went to his gravesite to talk to him about my plight. I told him about the tapes and the secret government conspiracy to destroy the tapes. I was hoping that his conscious could enter me in some sort of cosmic display of supernatural forces that would reveal the truth to me.

Translator’s Note: After this last statement from Trippy Lin, an unusual weather disturbance occurred in the Grand Jury Testimony Room. The doors to the room were suddenly opened by a fierce wind. Papers and legal briefs flew everywhere. Then, the tape recorder, which contained the secret recordings on tape, slowly rose up from the witness table and floated in the air for several minutes. The tape recorder then turned itself on and played a strange voice off the tape.

Here is a transcript of the voice recording played on the tape recorder.

Tape Recorder: KOORCATONMAI!

Translator’s Note: As a result of the paranormal events that occurred during the testimony of Miss Lin, the Office of Independent Counsel suspended hearings for 3 days while a Special Investigative Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation examined the tape and the paranormal events that occurred in the Grand Jury Testimony hearings.

4. Witness: Agent Fox Mulder, Federal Bureau of Investigation
5. Witness: Agent Dana Scully, Federal Bureau of Investigation

OIC: Have you concluded your investigation into the events that occurred in this room last week?

Mulder: Yes sir, we have. We subjected the tape to an extensive voice analysis and filtration. In the process of our examinations, we have discovered some interesting results. When you play the recording forwards, you will hear what sounds as gibberish.

Translator’s Note: Agent Mulder plays the tape recording forwards.

Tape Recorder: KOORCATONMAI!

Mulder: However, if you play that same tape backwards in the machine, you will hear something different:

Translator’s Note: Agent Mulder plays the tape recording backwards.

Tape Recorder: IAMNOTACROOK!

Mulder: We also ran a voice print analysis of the voice on the tape and compared the findings with a voice print analysis of sound recordings made back in 1974 of President Nixon’s resignation speech. The evidence is clear. The voice on that tape recording is Richard Nixon.

OIC: Agent Mulder, do you expect us to believe—

Mulder: I don’t know how else to explain it. While investigating the Grand Jury Testimony Room, we found several spots in the room, which exhibited extreme temperature variations—cold spots. Cold spots are the results of poltergeists and ghosts moving through the physical realm. This is physical evidence of paranormal activities. My guess is that when Trippy Lin took the tape to Richard Nixon’s grave, she must have triggered a psychic bond between herself, the secret tapes and Richard Nixon. Nixon was trying to communicate something to her. We haven’t found out what the message is.

OIC: Agent Scully?

Scully: We don’t know whether the cold spots were caused by paranormal activity or if there is a logical explanation. The air conditioning in the building has been shut down for maintenance this week. It is possible that there was a malfunction in the system that caused the air conditioning to switch on at maximum power, resulting in forced air blowing into the Grand Jury Testimony Room and causing the events last week. With regards to the tapes, anyone with the knowledge of sound imaging software and computers can adjust the contents of the tape—

Mulder: Why can’t you believe in the truth Scully?

Scully: Because there are other answers out there besides paranormal or UFO activities. Mulder, why can’t you believe that these events might have been caused by a logical, scientific explanation—

OIC: Why can’t the two of you just get on with it?

Mulder: The Office of Independent Counsel wants us to get on with it.

Scully: Okay, Mulder. If you insist—

Translator’s Note: Agents Mulder and Scully turn to each other, then fling into each other’s arms, kissing deeply, wildly. Mulder pushes Scully up on the witness table. Scully pulls Mulder’s jacket off. Mulder unbuttons Scully’s blouse, revealing her creamy white breasts— perhaps this transcript should continue at a later time.

Grand Juror Number Six: After 5 years, it is about time those two finally did it.

6. Witness: Sergio Orgasma.

OIC: State your name and occupation for the record.

Orgasma: Well, honey, my name is Sergio Orgasma and I’m a hair stylist in Beverly Hills, California.

OIC: Mr. Orgasma, how do you know the President?

Orgasma: Oh, I do know the President so intimately well. If only you knew what a MANLY MAN he is—I just get so hot thinking about this.

OIC: When did you first meet with the President?

Orgasma: We first met when he was on a trip to Los Angeles—he was attending some fund raising dinner or something. Anyways, he wanted to get his hair cut while he was out there in California, so he called my salon—I think he got a reference from another of my favorite customers Teddy Kennedy—Now there’s a man with such a drive. OOOOOOOOHHHHH! It is getting hot in here. Is the air conditioning off, or is it just me?

OIC: The air conditioning is turned off for maintenance. Please continue.

Orgasma: Okay honey, so I got this call from the President himself saying that he wanted me to come out to Air Force One and cut his hair for him. NOW BABY, I’m telling you. What hair stylist is NOT going to turn down an offer to style the President’s hair? On Air Force One? I just had to see him. So I went to Air Force One and then met the President. What a HUNK of a macho man. We had to go into the Presidential Washroom in order for me to serve my country as a hair stylist. Such a tiny washroom—OOOOHHHH WWWWOOOOO!!!! Just thinking about massaging the President’s head gives me SHIVERS! After I shampooed and trimmed his hair, the President thanked me, and then asked if I could help him search for his contact lenses in the Presidential Bedroom. He didn’t find his contacts, but I found what I was looking for—WWOOOHHH—HOOO—HOOOOO!

OIC: So you massaged the President’s head, and then helped him look for his contact lenses in the Presidential Bedroom on Air Force One?

Orgasma: Mr. Special Prosecutor, the President is ALWAYS losing his contacts. Why, he even lost his contacts in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House. I’m supposed to help him find his contacts in the Lincoln Bedroom next week.

OIC: Thank you Mr. Orgasma. That will be all.

Orgasma: Say, Mr. Special Prosecutor—you haven’t lost your glasses or…uumm…contact lenses in your office now...have you? Because if you have, Honey, I’m ready to help you find your contacts anytime! You know where you can find me Babe.

OIC: Thank you Mr. Orgasma.

7. Witness: Monica Lewdinsky

OIC: State your name for the record please.

Lewdinsky: My name is Monica Lewdinsky.

OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, the Grand Jury would like to know if you had sex with the President?

Lewdinsky: I…uh….

OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, please answer the question. Did you have sex with the President?

Lewdinsky: ALL RIGHT! I DID IT! I FUCKED THE PRESIDENT! I FUCKED HIM SO HARD THAT HE LOVED IT! I ADMIT IT! I’M CRAZY! I wanted to fuck the President, as I wanted to fuck the Vice President, and the Speaker of the House, and the Joint Chiefs and the Supreme Court Justices. It was my secret desire—to have a Washington ORGY!

OIC: Miss Lewdinsky, your behavior in this Grand Jury proceedings and your testimony has gone too far! I want to see you alone in my chambers RIGHT NOW!

8. Witness: William Jefferson Clinton

Translator’s Note: Because of the nature of a sitting President giving testimony to a Grand Jury and to the Office of Independent Counsel, special precautionary measures were set up for this testimony. The President would give his testimony in the Map Room of the White House. A video camera would feed a live image via satellite to the Grand Jury room for the jury to see the President and hear his testimony. The camera shows the President from the chest up. The video would be encrypted for security measures. The Independent Counsel would be able to ask questions to the President via his own encrypted video feed to the White House Map room for the President.

OIC: Mr. President. This office has received allegations that you have behaved in an “improper” manner through the initiation of an extramarital sexual relationship while serving in office. This office and Grand Jury would like to know if these allegations are true.

President: I would like to make a statement for the record before answering questions on this matter. I would like to state for the record, that I have never had sex with that woman—not for a million years. Not for a billion years. I have never had sex with that woman! Never! Never! Never! No! NO! NO! Oooooooooo….

OIC: Mr. President, this office has accumulated evidence which reveals that you had a sexual relationship while serving in office. And this office is accumulating evidence that you have lied to Congress and have lied to the American people as to the nature of this relationship. Did you lie to Congress and to the American people as to the nature of this relationship?

President: I did not lie to Congress or to the American People. I regard the laws of the United Sates Constitution to be the highest law in the land. The American people elected me as President and I am sworn to uphold and “Protect, preserve and defend the Constitution of the United States.” Oooohhh God…

OIC: Mr. President, you are under oath to answer truthfully. If you lie in these Grand Jury proceedings, you will be committing perjury and subjected to impeachment. Did you have an improper sexual relationship while serving in office?

President: Oooooo God—NO! I DID NOT!

OIC: Mr. President, did you have sex in the White House?

President: Ooooo…. YES! I mean NO!

Translator’s Note: At this moment, the camera showing the President’s live video feed of the Grand Jury testimony tips slightly. As a result of this shifting, the camera moves showing the President’s full body. He is sitting in a chair, facing the camera. His pants and underwear have been pulled down to his ankles. Kneeling down in front of the President is the First Lady. The First Lady is pressing her face between the President’s legs, performing oral copulation for the President. She stops for a moment, and then looks back at the video camera. She makes a comment to the President, which is transcribed here for the record.

First Lady: DAMMIT BILL! It’s time for you to get down on your knees and start KISSING MY ASS FOR A CHANGE!


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