Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Star Trek Essay

Star Fleet Academy
Camp Star Trek
San Francisco




At ease.

Good afternoon. I would like to welcome you all to Star Fleet Academy—Camp Star Trek. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Sergeant Slaughter. I am your drill instructor during your basic training. For the next eight weeks, you will know everything about Star Trek. You will sleep, eat, exercise, talk, think and crap Star Trek. Now, I want to give you all a piece of advice: YOUR MOMMA IS NOT HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! The only people here to take care of you are you…me--and Uncle Sam. I AM NOT YOUR MOMMA! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?



Sir, yes Sir!





Now I want you all to pickup your gear and hustle over to that big green building. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?



All right—Now you’re all starting to look like Marines rather than the maggot-infested hippies when you came in here. It will grow out soldier. When you enter Star Trek Academy, you will learn all there is to know about Classic Star Trek. We’re talking the one and only original—Not the Next Generation. You are going where no man has gone before.

Classic Star Trek was set at a timeline of 200 years into the future beyond 1968. The great thing about Classic Trek is that even though it is set in the future, the show contains all the stereotypes of the 1960s. In other words, the social norms and values were those found in 1968. Here’s a wonderful example. The female crewmembers serving in Classic Trek seem to have only two jobs—serve coffee to Jim Kirk and hand clipboards for Kirk to sign. Think of it. What is Yeoman Janice Rand’s job function? She serves coffee and hands clipboards to Captain Kirk to sign. In fact, the only female member of Classic Trek that does not serve coffee and give clipboards to Kirk to sign is Communications Officer Lieutenant Uhura. What you ask? No female captains or admirals in Starfleet? DO YOU THINK WE WANT SOME GIRLY-GIRLS IN COMMAND OF THE FEDERATION OR STARFLEET?


Well, you’re starting to learn now. Here’s another value of the 60s that can be found in the Classic Trek. Take a look at what the women are wearing in Classic Trek. Them mini-skirts are nice—especially on those hot chicks. I must say—Yeoman Rand and Lieutenant Uhura have got some pretty fine looking legs? In fact, the standard uniform for the female crewmembers is nothing but mini-skirts. Would you say so?


Another aspect that you must learn about the Classic Trek and women—all the women are drop dead gorgeous! When did you ever see any ugly-looking chicks on Classic Trek! They don’t exist—all the chicks on there on Classic Trek are gorgeous and thin! Do you think you’ll ever see Roseanne Barr wearing those mini-skirt uniforms on Classic Trek?


No, you’re not. And the reason is that they’re not going to show any ugly chicks on Classic Trek. The network executives from NBC who first aired the series are going to keep all the stereotypes and social norms on women’s lib that existed in the 1960s. Now, if you watch the original pilot episode that Gene Roddenberry showed for the network execs, Roddenberry included a female second-in-command named Number One (Who was played by Majel Barrett—later Nurse Chapel in the series). In this pilot episode, the original captain was Christopher Pike. Mr. Spock was third in command. The NBC network execs didn’t like that—A WOMAN IN A COMMAND POSITION! They got rid of Number 1, moved Mr. Spock up to second-in-command, and then replaced Captain Christopher Pike with James T Kirk. The rest is history. What you may not realize is that Gene Roddenberry was twenty years ahead of his time in giving command positions on Federation Starships to women. In fact, I believe the first recorded instance of a female captain on a starship was in the movie Star Trek IV—The Voyage Home! In the first ten minutes of the movie, a black female captain of the starship Saratoga makes a pass on the mysterious black spaceship and the starship Saratoga loses all power.

OKAY—YOU MAGGOTS! Now is not the time for talk—IT IS THE TIME FOR ACTION! I want you all to run over there and attack that jungle gym. And when you attack that jungle gym, I want to hear your war cry—DO YOU UNDERSTAND?








All right, you think you’re pretty macho now. But Star Fleet and the Federation will need real macho men—not some pussyfoot wussies. And I’m going to train you all how to be real macho men. I want you all to remember this name—James T Kirk. He is the ultimate macho man that all Star Fleet cadets aspire to. He’s tough! He’s strong—he doesn’t break down and ball his head off like that pussyfoot Jean Luc Picard does in Star Trek Generations. Even his name is ultimate macho—JAMES TEE KIRK! What a hot…strong…macho…hunk…of a man.



Now in order to become the ultimate macho guy, you got to do two things. First, you’re going to need to have your shirt ripped off of every episode. It doesn’t matter how or when. It is absolutely imperative that your shirt is ripped off. Why you ask? Why to show off your bulging muscles and sex appeal! I don’t care if your shirt is ripped off you by gorgeous babes lusting over your body, or by blood-sucking aliens wanting to eat you for lunch. In just about every Classic Trek episode, Jim Kirk had his shirt ripped off somehow and he took it as the ultimate macho guy. When’s the last time you saw Captain Picard with his shirt ripped off…or Katherine Janeway with her shirt ripped off? Just make sure your shirt gets ripped off—and don’t worry about the wardrobe costs. NOW RIP YOUR SHIRTS OFF!


Got to do something about the lack of bulging muscles. The second thing you’ve got to do in order to become the ultimate macho guy is to be the ultimate ladies man. You’ve got to seduce every gorgeous guest star that comes on Classic Trek—in the first 10 minutes!! THAT’S RIGHT! Not only are you going to have to rip your shirt off, but also you’re going to have to make out with every gorgeous babe that’s a guest star on Classic Trek. James Kirk did it—did some serious smooching with Lieutenant Uhura in an interracial sex scene between a white man and a black woman. And this was during the 1960s! Oh and lest I forget, don’t forget about them gorgeous green babes either. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?


Now I want all of you to run over to that obstacle course where you’ll rip off your shirts and tackle becoming a ladies man with those plastic blow-up dolls. Go after all those plastic blow-up dolls. There’s only one way your going to become an ultimate macho man and that’s by practice. When you run through that obstacle course, I want to hear your war cry—DO YOU UNDERSTAND?




Very good. You’re becoming more like Star Fleet cadets. Just the kind of men we’re looking for to protect the Federation from the Klingons and Romulans. Your training is almost through. But first, we’re going to have to determine where your career shall take you in the Federation. And I’m going to show you those career paths.

Your career path is determined in Classic Trek by the shirt you’re going to be wearing. You have the option of wearing one of three different colored shirts—red, yellow or blue. In order to wear each shirt, you must have specialized training.

If your career path requires you to wear a red shirt, you must have extremely precise and specialized training in either communication techniques for the Engineering Department, or security-conflict-avoidance techniques for the Security Department. With the Engineering Department, you must master the communication techniques of engineering-speak. You must learn to tell the captain how in a time of crisis, the starship engines will not take much more abuse and that they will blow up—never mind whether they will blow up or not. The engines never blow up in a crisis situation on Classic Trek and the captain will never take you advise anyway—he just screams for more power to the engines. After you tell the captain that the engines won’t take much more abuse, increase the power to the engines, and then hold on to the wire mesh screen in the engine room while swaying back and forth. I don’t care if the ground and the ship is level and straight—just sway back and forth anyway. Because the folks up on the bridge are also swaying back and forth while the ship is straight and level. If you can master the communication techniques of engineering-speak in a bad Scottish accent while swaying around by the wire mesh screen in the Engine Room, you could go all the way to Chief Engineer.

For those of you choosing to wear a red shirt for the Security Department, I must admire your tenacity and courage. It is one of the most hazardous jobs in the Federation. To succeed, you will need strength, stamina, and my training in security-conflict-avoidance. In just about every episode of Classic Trek, the red-shirt guy from the Security Department always seems to be killed by the blood-sucking alien. I am going to show you how not to be killed by the blood-sucking alien—LET THE OTHER RED SHIRT GUY GET KILLED BY THE BLOOD-SUCKING ALIEN! If you are wearing a red shirt and are beamed down to an alien planet, the statistical probabilities are high enough that you’re going to be killed by the blood-sucking alien. The way not to get killed is to stay together with another member of your crew—preferably one wearing a blue or yellow shirt. Don’t wander off alone on an alien planet—you’re going to get killed! If you do find yourself alone with the blood-sucking alien—DON’T PANIC! Hold out your hand and greet the alien. Offer him some tea and crumpets More than likely, the blood-sucking alien is just passing by the planet on the way to the grocery store for some milk and eggs, or he has an appointment with his doctor to cure his hemorrhoids. Whatever you do—DON’T FIRE YOUR PHASER AT THE BLOOD-SUCKING ALIEN! That will only piss him off and he’s going to eat you for lunch.

The second career path you may enter into is with the yellow shirt. Yellow shirts designate two distinct career choices in Star Fleet—Command and Miscellaneous areas. If you’ve become captain of a starship or an admiral of the Fleet, then you’re going to be wearing a yellow shirt of Command. I don’t have to tell you what your training is to be for the command of a starship and the honor of wearing a yellow shirt. If you’re in command of a starship, you also have the added honor of wearing another colored shirt—a green shirt that wraps around you. This is an important part of your uniform wardrobe as a starship captain since the green wrap-around-shirt is far easier to be ripped off by gorgeous ladies lusting for your hot body. If you are not a captain of a starship, or admiral, but are wearing a yellow shirt, this means that you will be assigned to various miscellaneous duties on the starship. You may be assigned to Phaser Control Room, Helm, Navigation, or even one of the unknown stations on the bridge. In that case, you must learn how to look at your gauges and buttons in a manner of concentration, pressing an occasional button or flicking a switch very seriously. If you’re assigned to Helm or Navigation, you must learn how to repeat the captain’s course change as “Mark 31,” “Warp One sir,” or even “Aye Captain.” In navigation, you must learn to say, “We’re approaching the planet XT14569.” You may think that crew members wearing yellow shirts are boring. But remember this. It is the yellow shirt crew members that will have the best career path to becoming starship captains.

The third and final career path is wearing blue shirts. Blue shirt crew members are assigned to the Science Department and Medical Department. Science and medicine are two of the intellectual elite’s in the Federation. For Science Department station on the bridge of a starship, you must learn to think and talk like a computer. Try practice speaking in a DOS or a BASIC programming language as you explain to the captain how to route the warp engines into the phaser control to export out into the main deflector grid in order to save the ship. Don’t worry if the captain doesn’t understand—he’s too busy ripping his shirt off and seducing the gorgeous babe, who’s the current guest star for that episode. Your job is to save the ship from the Klingons and Romulans. And NO! As a Science Officer, you’re not entitled to any seductions from the gorgeous babe guest stars. If you’re entering the medical profession, you will have a fine career ahead of you. As a Medical Doctor in Star Fleet, you will be required to quickly analyze a medical crisis and communicate that medical analysis to the captain. For example, if a blood-sucking alien has attacked a red-shirt guy, you job will be to kneel down at the prone body, place your finger on his neck, and then say, “He’s dead Jim!” This is one of the most important functions of a ship’s doctor—to communicate that medical information of “He’s dead Jim!” I don’t care if the captain’s name is Tom, Dick, or Harry. You must communicate the medical information of “He’s dead Jim!”


Another important function of a ship’s doctor is to communicate your job description. Remember, you are a doctor. You must do doctor things. You do not perform any other job descriptions even though the captain may order you to. You must communicate this to the captain in a specific way—“My GOD Jim, I’m a DOCTOR not a FILL-IN-THE-BLANK!” You must know hundreds of different job characteristics to communicate this information to the captain, even though the captain will not listen to you and order you to become a FILL-IN-THE-BLANK! Then, you must learn to quickly master that job description and do that job. This can be a stressful job for some, but it also can be fulfilling. You will have your own office and you have gorgeous nurses who will work under you. Although please remember that the gorgeous nurses will want to lust over the Science Officer on the starship. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?


Very well. Cadets, I want to congratulate you on the end of your training. With the skills you have mastered here, you will be able to face any obstacle and to serve, protect, and defend the Constitution against the Klingons and Romulans.

I salute you. Semper Fi. Carry on.

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